Bo Burnham: Make Happy Page #2

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Of a random search for drugs But you can't say

My life is easy Until you've walked a mile in my Uggs

[breath trembling] [audience laughing] Straight white man I know the road looks tough ahead The women want rights The gays want kids -What?

-[audience laughing] Can't you just leave us alone? And also

"No" to the things you asked for They're being greedy

and they know it, okay? [mock sobs] Everyone thinks that I've got it easy And just 'cause it's true Doesn't mean that it's right So pull up a chair And put down your pitchforks Give me a chance To show you what it is like To be a straight white man The churches never made me

Feel ashamed of who I am But I get emails from Zappos

That Gmail doesn't mark as spam My country's constitution

Was handwritten by my race But my wife bought me

The brand new iPhone With an iPod Touch's case [voice breaking]

Case doesn't fit that phone. [audience laughing] Straight white man I know the road looks tough ahead The women want rights The blacks want

Not to be called "the blacks" Sorry. Can't you just leave us alone? Also, "no" to the things you asked for No Straight white man I know the road looks tough ahead The women want rights The African Amer--

It doesn't work with the rhythm. [audience laughs] We used to have all the money and land And we still do

But it's not as fun now [audience cheering and applauding] -[softly] Thank you.

-[audience cheering and applauding] If you were offended by that,

it was ironic. Isn't that fun?

I meant the whole opposite of it. White guys, it's easy to be a white guy. Yeah, white guy, we deserve a...

cheer once in a while. Very easy to be a white guy.

Very easy. But white guys get a lot of sh*t

and it's not fair, 'cause we've done

a lot of things, you know? We invented a lot of stuff. White guys invented everything

but peanut butter, I believe. That's what I was taught in school.

Everything but peanut butter. Doesn't sound right,

but the American educational system having a racial bias? No way, Joseph. Guys, white... white people

are a little uncomfortable. We'll do a racial joke

about the white people so you don't feel uncomfortable. White people,

we like the same foods. Favorite sandwich,

peanut butter and... -[audience] Jelly!

-...jelly. -Macaroni and...

-[audience] Cheese! Our favorite chips,

salt and vi... -[audience] ...negar!

-Wow! -[audience laughing]

-Who said it? Get the cameras on them. Your grandkids are gonna see this, know what a bigot

their grandfather or grandmother were. Every non-white person,

see who said that, find them after the show. Put the lights down.

Their faces creep me out. [audience laughing] Guys, I'm not "perfect," okay? I don't "use air quotes correctly,"

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