Blackadder: The Cavalier Years Page #2

- Baldrick?

- Yes.

- That little job that fell into your lap...

- Yes.

It wasn't by any chance

something to do with an axe, a basket,

a little black mask

and the King of England?

- No.

- Go on.

I couldn't find a basket.

You very small total bastard!

Please, sir, don't kill me. I have

a cunning plan to save the King.

Forgive me if I don't

do a cartwheel of joy.

Your family's record

in cunning planning...

...is about as impressive

as "Stumpy" Oleg McNolegs'...

...personal best in the

Market Harborough marathon.

All right, what's the plan?

A pumpkin...

is going to save the king.

But over here, I have one

that I prepared earlier.

I'll balance it

on the King's head, like this.

Then I'll cover his real head

with a cloak...

...and then, when I execute him,

instead of cutting off his real head,

I'll cut off the pumpkin

and the King survives!

- I'm not sure it's going to work, Baldrick.

- Why not?

Because once you've cut it off

you have to hold it up and say,

"This is the head of a traitor."

At which point, they'll shout back,

"No, it's a large pumpkin with

a pathetic moustache drawn on it."

I suppose it's not 100% convincing.

It's not 1% convincing.

However, I am a busy man...

...and I can't be bothered

to punch you at the moment,

Here's my fist, kindly run towards it

as fast as you can.

I just don't understand it.

What possessed you to take the job?

I'm sorry, sir. It was just

a wild silly foolish plan.

I thought with the money I got

from executing the King,

I could sneak out and buy a new king

when no one was looking...

...and pop him back on the throne

without anyone noticing.

Your head is as empty

as a eunuch's underpants.

You'd do anything for

It was a thousand pounds actually sir,

plus tip.

Well I suppose somebody's

got to do it, haven't they?

And when it's gonna be done,

it's got to be done in single stroke,

by someone

who actually owns an axe.

We don't want you hacking

away at it all afternoon...

...with your cheap penknife

of yours.

It would be so embarrassing

to have King Charles...

...staggering around Hampton

Court tomorrow morning...

...with his neck flapping

like fish's gills.

- Sir, you don't mean?

- Yep, I'm doing it.

Lend me your costume,

then go immediately to the King,

and inform him that Edmund Blackadder

cannot be with him tomorrow.

And make sure you think up

a bloody good excuse.

So that's why

he can't be here. Sorry.

I see.

I quite understand, yes.

Sir, the moment has arrived.

Are you ready to meet your maker?

I'm always absolutely fascinated

to meet people from all walks of life...

...but yes, particularly

manufacturing industry.

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