Bill Burr: Let It Go Page #2

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[laughter]

MAKING POPSICLE STICK HOUSES.

I MEAN...

[laughter]

"IT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB ON

THE PLANET."

OPRAH'S NOT EVEN A MOTHER.

HOW THE [bleep] WOULD SHE KNOW?

UNBELIEVABLE.

[cheers and applause]

[laughs]

GRANTED, NEITHER AM I, BUT I,

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT KIND OF

BALANCES ITSELF OUT.

I'M HALFWAY THROUGH MY LIFE

AT THIS AGE, YOU KNOW, AND I'VE

BEEN AN ANGRY SON OF A B*TCH,

AND I'VE GOT TO TURN THIS

AROUND, MAN.

I'M EMBARRASSED WITH MY--I DON' WANT TO BE THAT GUY.

YOU DIE AS THE ANGRY GUY.

THAT'S THE WORST DUDE TO DIE AS,

BECAUSE THEN PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO

TRY TO THINK OF HAPPY [bleep] TO

SAY ABOUT YOU AT YOUR FUNERAL.

THEY'RE JUST SITTING THERE LIKE,

"HE, UH...

YOU KNOW, HE ALWAYS PAID HIS

BILLS ON TIME, YOU KNOW.

YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE HIM THAT,

YOU KNOW.

GOD DAMN IT, YOU GAVE THIS GUY

A BILL, HE PAID IT.

THIS GUY WAS A BILL-PAYING SON

OF A B*TCH, IRONED HIS SHIRTS.

I--I GOT NOTHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY

ABOUT THE GUY.

HE'S JUST..."

NO...

NO, I NOTICED--YOU KNOW WHEN I

KNEW I HAD AN ANGER PROBLEM

WAS WHEN--JUST, LIKE, LITTLE

RANDOM THINGS.

LIKE, I WENT TO THIS PLACE

ANOTHER TIME.

I'M ON THE ROAD, AND I'M

ORDERING FOOD, AND I WAS DONE

ORDERING THE FOOD, AND THE GUY

BEHIND THE COUNTER ASKED ME IF I

WANTED A COOKIE, RIGHT?

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I JUST HAD

THIS UNBELIEVABLE URGE JUST TO

BLAST THIS GUY RIGHT IN THE

FACE.

[laughter]

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE PARANOID,

BUT MY BRAIN WAS JUST SITTING

THERE GOING LIKE, "DUDE, WHA KIND OF A MAN ASKS ANOTHER MAN

IF HE WANTS A COOKIE?

THIS GUY THINKS YOU'RE SOFT OR

SOMETHING."

"OH, YOU WANT A COOKIE, HUH?

YOU WANT A COOKIE THERE,

CUPCAKE?"

WHO THE [bleep] IS HE?

HE DOESN'T [bleep] KNOW YOU LIKE

THAT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE SAD THING

WAS, WAS I WANTED A COOKIE.

I WOULD HAVE LOVED ONE,

SITTING THERE WITH A BIG GLASS

OF MILK LIKE A FOUR-YEAR-OLD.

WHO DOESN'T LOVE A COOKIE, YOU

KNOW?

BUT I SAY IT.

I SAY I WANT A COOKIE.

YOU DON'T [bleep].

I SAY IT.

I SAY I WANT A COOKIE.

I BRING IT UP, AND IF YOU

BRING IT UP, YOU DO IT SUBTLE.

YOU DON'T JUST YELL IT ACROSS

THE RESTAURANT.

"YOU WANT A COOKIE, YOU P*SSY,

P*SSY, P*SSY?"

[laughter]

YEAH, SO THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED

I'VE GOT A...

[laughter]

ANYBODY ELSE'S THOUGHTS JUS WAKE THEM UP IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE NIGHT?

YOU JUST WAKE UP.

"OH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'M

GONNA MAKE IT," YOU KNOW?

[laughter]

NO, YOU KNOW, MY BIG MOVE--

ACTUALLY, I'M A LOT HAPPIER

THAN I USED TO BE, MAN.

I [bleep] AROUND A LOT WHEN I'M

UP HERE, BUT I'M DEFINITELY A

LOT MORE HAPPIER.

MY BIG MOVE, YOU KNOW, I DECIDED

I WASN'T GONNA GO HOME FOR THE

HOLIDAYS.

THAT WAS A BIG THING.

I HAD TO.

THERE YOU GO, ONE GUY RIGH THERE.

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