Bastard

---

(RAIN FALLING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(MAN)

Are you okay?

Miss!

(ENGINE STOPS)

Miss.

Where are you going?

Wherever you can take us.

The usual.

It'd be a pleasure, Miss...

Miss Hannah.

Good to meet you, Miss Hannah.

You should get in the car.

Yeah?

If you want a ride.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, we really appreciate this.

So, do you have a name?

Uh, yeah. Max.

Well, Maxy...

(CHUCKLES)

You got a nice car.

You're sweet.

(MAN)

Hey, I think we're ready.

Do you mind if I check my ride?

I don't wanna forget my toothbrush.

Just hurry it up.

I don't wanna roast out here. It's burning.

Dibs.

- Bullshit.

- Come on. It's my turn.

I reeled him in. He's my fish to fry.

Semantics.

Big word.

Rock, paper, scissors.

What, are we seven?

You have to get used to it

if you want a kid around.

Right?

- I win.

- I guess you do.

Are you serious about that kid?

Hammer-time serious.

You can light the next one up, babe.

- Okay?

- Mm-hmm.

(SIGHS)

Sh*t. That's a hell

of a long time for a toothbrush.

- I needed my floss too.

- Yeah?

Well, some say that's more important.

(LIGHTER FLICKING)

You're gonna have to get in the back, man.

Sorry.

(CHUCKLES)

Step out of the car.

- Huh?

- Step out of the car, Maxy.

- What the f*** is this?

- Dude.

Don't panic. Happens to the best of us.

- And the worst.

- And the worst.

Get the f*** out of my car right now.

What the...

(SHOUTING)

(GRUNTING)

Hey, babe?

I was thinking about, like, drugs and that.

Like how people

will classify something a drug...

- (SAWING)

- and stamp it with this negativity.

(PANTING)

You know, like weed.

Like, all this negativity

for something so happy.

- (BONE SNAPS)

- (SAWING CONTINUES)

But then I got to thinking, like...

can't anything be a drug?

You know? Like water. Okay?

Water's a drug. Seriously.

You go cold turkey on water...

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

your throat swells up, you hallucinate...

get the shakes and, like, die.

That's a worse relapse

than I've seen a heroin junkie get.

Where's the warning label

on a bottle of water? Huh? Huh?

"May get addicted.

Side effects... drowning and dizziness."

What do you think?

Babe.

Hey.

How you doing?

- I'm...

- Awful.

Dainty. Empathetic.

I'm terrific.

Good.

'Cause you're my drug.

Mrs. Hannah West.

- (SAWING)

- (GRUNTING)

You can't do this, Jake.

I-I'm only doing what you can't.

Don't. I'll talk to him.

I'll make him stop.

(TV:
SPORTS ANNOUNCER, CROWD CHEERING)

(DOG BARKS)

(BARKING)

- Look at you.

- (SCOFFS) Look at you.

- You look afraid.

- What would I have to be afraid of?

- There comes a time in every man's life...

- Holy sh*t. You know what?

I'm gonna pass on the Tumblr life advice.

This guy? He's a real keeper.

- (WOMAN) Please.

- (MAN) What do you want me to do?

Do something!

Stop him!

No!

(WHIMPERS)

If you were smart, you'd leave too.

Hey, you ready?

Yeah?

What?

- I-I need my paintbrush.

- Paintbrush.

- I'll buy you new ones, okay?

- Okay.

(SPEAKERS:
DRUM INTRO)

(LOUNGE POP INSTRUMENTAL)

(CONTINUES)

(CONTINUES)

(CLICKS OFF)

- (GASPS)

- Michael!

You look like an absolute mess.

- What's going on in here?

- I-I... I slept too late.

(CHUCKLES)

Just in time for Passions, huh?

- You okay?

- Yeah.

Okay, then. Did you remember to...

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Um...

- What?

- (STAMMERING) Nothing.

What's going on in here?

Is there somebody else here?

Whoa! No. Why would you

automatically think that?

- You're hiding something.

- No.

Just... Just calm down.

I don't get why you're acting so weird.

I'm sorry.

I... I just had a rough day at work today.

We had to let Eric go.

Eric? Come here.

- What the hell is...

- G-Give me that!

Is this a suicide note?

(STAMMERS)

I can explain.

Don't you think you're overreacting?

No. I-I'm reacting just fine, I-I think.

You think? You just thinkin'

you're gonna kill yourself?

And I don't snore.

(SPEAKERS:

COUNTRY ROCK, FAINT)

(MAN)

After a hard day of work

I hit the bar

on my way back home

Oh

I saw a young

and pretty poodle

Sittin' at a table all alone

Oh

I went up

"Can I buy you a drink?"

- I don't like the way that guy's

looking at me. - Who?

The clerk.

- You don't like how anyone looks at you.

- Yeah, so stop it.

- Repeat after me.

- Repeat after me.

(SNICKERS)

I will never look at Hannah again.

- I will never look at my wife ever again.

- Exact words, a**hole!

Or it doesn't count.

I've failed you.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-mmm.

No? Mmm.

There's a motel down the road.

It's an okay place.

That's where the whores usually go.

Not my gas station.

(LAUGHING)

Wow. Aren't you just

the funniest piece of sh*t.

Twice the size, half the respect.

We expect an apology.

The only thing you should be expecting is

to get blown into bits of f***in' beef.

(GRUNTS)

- (GROANING)

- There's a lady present.

- (SHOTGUN C*CKS)

- (GROANING CONTINUES)

(CLERK)

I know that car!

(GROANS)

I know that's not your car...

and I know the man

that would never part with it.

- (BLOW LANDS) - Well,

you don't have to be such a prick about it.

Please, no!

Twenty on two.

(CONTINUES)

You should've killed him.

Yeah, I know.

- But it's your turn.

- (CHUCKLES)

- (MATCH STRIKES)

- (FLAMES ERUPTING)

That's the hardest one you've got, Betty?

Come on. Challenge me.

I don't know.

You were doing fine earlier.

Just ask another one. Make it harder.

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