Barney Thomson Page #2

---

He's got to fill

his day up somehow.

I mean, his in-tray consists of

staring out the window.

Whilst having a gentle wank

over The Daily Star.

What's the big breakthrough?

F*** off! It's my case.

Is it an actual breakthrough,

or is it just

a we-made-it-up breakthrough?

What the f*** is that?

Inspiration!

Oh, I been meaning to ask ya,

"Touchy Little Boy' coming on'?"

Do you want to do this

right now'?

'Cause I'm f***ing

well up for it!

Get your tits out of my face.

Come on, number six.

Come on, number six!

Come on, get a move-on,

get a f***ing move-on!

Get a move-on!

Come on, come on!

You f***ing shite!

You wee f***ing shite!

You f***ing wee shite!

F***ing... f***ing dog.

- Christ.

- Here you go, Mum.

What kept you?

Celebrity booking?

Oh, cannae beat a fish supper.

Get off!

Busy today?

Aye.

Tips'?

Plenty.

Tell ye What...

hand 'em over to me

and I'll put them

on the next race.

Nah, you're all right.

Bathgate Leopard...

three to one.

No thanks.

Oh, come on!

No.

A fiver gets you 15 quid.

I've not got any money!

Nah.

Who'd ever tip you'?

Not me.

You not put any vinegar on it'?

You didn't put any on.

Crap.

They talk crap all day.

Boxing.

That's their sole currency.

You know, I was in that windae

for eight years.

That meant something.

I'm 50, Charlie.

What the f*** happened there?

I mean, it's every man's right

to reach

his full potential. Right?

But it passed me by.

Aye.

What am I gonna do'?

Nothing.

I've got a mother

that's digging her claws in

like an auld buzzard,

I live in a shitey, wee flat.

And the last time with a bird,

"Shakin' Stevens"

was number one.

I've not had

my kick at the ball.

All I've got is that job.

The bastards are trying

to take it away from me.

You want them to like you'?

Like me'?

I want to f***in' kill them.

Pew!

He's f***ing

laughing at us, 127.

Yes, sir.

The public

are gonna string us up

for this, you realize.

Yes, sir.

Right.

I'm replacing you as lead.

What'?

And you, 529.

No, sir, it's 20 past 10, sir.

Is it'?

529's your f***ing number!

You're off the case as well.

You'll be taking orders

from 119 from now on.

Thank you, sir.

Just take me...

uh, take me

through your plans, uh, 119.

He'll strike again, sir,

so we'll find out

who's recently disappeared,

who last saw them.

I'll put Holdall here

out in the field,

investigating

the missing person files.

Don't you think

we should be looking

for the rest of him'?

119's in charge now, 127.

Is that plate from the canteen?

Ah, f*** me.

Tell forensics to get

their own f***ing plates!

I'm not eating off a plate

that's served up a human arse.

Right. Off you go.

Oh, ho, ho! Listen to this.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes