Balls Out: The Gary Houseman Story Page #2

Year:
2009
45 Views


I've told him a hundred times,

I don't want to see

that faggy two-handed forehand sh*t.

Nibby, one hand, God damn it!

That boy doesn't have

an ounce of self-respect.

Say, can you hold down the fort?

I gotta go take a dump.

You bet.

Sorry about that.

You can't come in on that like that.

So, are you, like, the only tennis groupie

at this school or what?

I've been around the tennis scene

a long time.

Believe me,

I've known plenty of chicks like you.

What I don't know is which one of

these cowboys you're banging.

And I need to know that

so I can coach around it.

Really?

Actually, I'm Jenny Tuttle.

I work in the training room after school

and then I come down here

to catch a ride home with my dad.

Oh, sh*t. I'm sorry.

You're a Tuttle, huh?

That's f***ing awesome.

I didn't mean to imply that you look

like some kind of slut or something.

I guess I'm the d*ckhead on this one.

- I'm Gary, by the way.

- Yeah, I know.

- School's new janitor, right?

- And the new assistant coach.

I take both jobs seriously.

The school has been looking

really clean lately.

Thank you.

Gary, you are the man.

It's only taken you a few short weeks

here in Lincoln to turn your life around.

Damn, beer is good.

Coach Tuttle has given you a shot

at tennis redemption.

Cherish it.

He's Simon, you're Garfunkel

and together you're about to make

sweet tennis music.

We've had a lot of fun

working with rhomboids,

but I can't spend the whole term

talking about rhomboids.

The discussion today is triangles.

So...

Who can tell me the difference

between an isosceles and an equilateral?

Yeah.

All three sides of an equilateral triangle

have the same length

and each corner has a 60-degree angle.

An isosceles triangle,

only two sides are the same length and...

What's going on?

- Mr. Tuttle's dead!

- What?

He was just explaining isosceles

and then he bent over and he just dropped.

I don't understand. Triangles?

He just dropped!

Make a path! Get out of my f***ing way!

Coach down!

What the f***!

- Hey!

- He's clear.

Give me the f***ing things! You know,

the things! The f***ing clappers!

- He's been gone for 20 minutes.

- Bullshit!

You medevac in a baboon's heart

right f***ing now.

I'm sorry, sir. You have to step back.

He's gone.

Clear a path.

Coming through.

Come back, Coach.

Those bright lights aren't court lamps.

And, obviously, we're all stunned

at what happened the other day.

Lew was the real deal.

They broke the mold

when they made that son of a gun.

I understand Lew appointed you

to be his assistant.

- Yes, sir.

- Glad to hear it.

That'll make the transition a lot easier

on the boys.

Gary, I've appointed Steve to be head coach.

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Andy Stock

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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