Ashens and the Quest for the Gamechild

Synopsis: Featuring Ashens insane fictional search for a piece of electronic tat for the fabled Game Child, accompanied by fan favourite Chef Excellence (a human version, not the bloody puppet), and together they try to overcome the odds - and all common sense - to lay our hands on the fabled Game Child, an old handheld video game. But a shadowy figure, aided by my irritating nemesis, wants the game for their own dastardly ends.
Genre: Adventure, Comedy
88 min

There's heat?!

I'll give you the tour.

This is the living room.

Wow! You sure do have a lot of crap.

Yes, I do!

Don't touch anything though, I like things a particular way.

You won't even notice I'm here.


Come on, I'll show you the rest of the house.

Okay, sink's here. There's the cooker. That's the fridge, obviously.

Dining room is through here.

You've seen the living room of course.

What's in here?

That's just a room I use for storage, don't worry about that.

Oh... It's locked.

Can I have a look?

Oh no, no I just remembered I've lost the key.

Let's get you sorted-

Why is it locked?

Just leave it alone! You're going to damage something.

There's no reason for you to go in there.

C'mon Stu, why is this locked?!!

Oh, wow!

No! Don't go down there!

Come on, Geoff!


Yeah, hi. It's Stuart from next door.

Could you keep it down a bit please? I've got somebody over.

Oh, sorry, I must have got carried away.

Yeah, thanks, bye.

It's my neighbour. He's a bit of a weirdo.

Some kind of improvisational jazz musician or something.

You never see him without his costume on.


Come on, Geoff. Nobody is allowed in here.

What is all this stuff, is this all the tat you've reviewed?

No. No. This is something... Different.

What is it?

There's something you don't know about me,

something very few people know.

I'm a collector.

I collect very rare, but absolutely worthless collectibles.

That's so cool!

What's this?

It's nothing!

What is it?

Look, it's a long and boring story, and I'm tired.

Come on, Stu.

What's the Game Child?

It's the one thing I have always desired, and never gotten hold of.

That's very cryptic, Stu, but not very helpful.

The Game Child is a rip-off of the first popular handheld games console.

It was the first of its type, and to my knowledge, the only one.

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Stuart Ashen

Stuart Clive Ashen (born 16 December 1976), commonly known by his online alias Ashens (), is a British comedian, animator, actor and online reviewer of various products, which are usually video games, toys, and food. The items he reviews are often of low quality or are poor knockoffs of well-received products. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"Ashens and the Quest for the Gamechild" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 23 Feb. 2020. <>.

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