Ashby

1

I look at all of you and I think,

"What is this generation?"

A bunch of Ritalin addicted porn freaks

who are probably sociopaths.

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

New boy.

- I'm Ed.

- Hemingway.

Which of his works did you devour?

Please, don't say The Help.

Well... I read, actually,

I have The Old Man and the Sea,

just randomly.

Death in the Afternoon,

The Sun Also Rises most of the others.

I like those books.

Hey, gay book club.

Don't add homophobe to idiot, Valchek,

okay?

People already don't like you.

Ed, what themes are

important to Hemingway?

Proving you're a man

by trying to get killed.

You don't say?

A bull, a big fish,

a woman, war,

drinking and driving.

I mean, just crazy stuff, quite frankly.

All to prove that he's a...

He's a man, because his mom

made him wear dresses.

Welcome. Mr. Ed.

Welcome.

Good morning Varga Prep,

Virginia's finest.

It is August 20th and I am Chase

and these are

your morning announcements.

Football trials will be this Thursday

at 4:
00 PM on the football field.

Please, bring your

signed permission slips

and personal injury insurance forms.

Be part of the myth.

All of his teeth were stuck in my fist.

Did you just arrive here

from a parallel universe?

Oregon.

I come from Oregon.

Nice to meet ya.

And, when you're in the chamber

and the scan starts,

don't be frightened.

And, we'll have you out in a jiffy.

Have I died and become a baby?

How long?

This is the hardest part of my job.

Do you need a hug?

I'm just saying, I just...

Are you really gonna make this moment

about you?

And your feelings?

You big baby.

Three months.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

No.

No, you're not.

You're just embarrassed.

Sh*t.

Sh*t! F***!

My, Gosh! Found it.

I found it.

Hi, Ed.

This is Jerry. We...

We work together at work.

Nice to meet ya, Ed.

You too, Jerry.

Hey, neighbor.

You notice anything?

- No.

- Remember I used to make you

alphabet meals?

Yeah, that was sweet.

Braised beans with bacon,

beef brochettes,

biscuit,

BJ,

Bo J, Borange juice.

We have to make friends.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah...

The guy seemed cool.

The guy...

Just for a second...

Mom.

I love you, Mom.

So, to your assignment.

It is to put down your Candy Crush

and your commitment to narcissism,

and go talk,

converse, engage in a dialog

with an old person.

To gain wisdom from the past,

and in your case,

acknowledge that the past existed.

This whole school is about the past.

Only when it comes to football, McCall.

Sabres, Sabres, Sabres.

Thank you gentleman,

you're needed back at Nuremberg.

Okay, so this conversation

will then become an illuminating essay

of two thousand words.

Get to it.

So, I have got perfect nickels,

I've never done these before, okay?

At $29.95,

basically the cost of certification.

And I'm gonna

give you the opportunity...

Hi!

Afternoon sir. I'm Ed,

just moved next door.

I have a school assignment

where we have to get the stories

and wisdom of an old person.

Well, I can't help you, buddy. I...

I don't know any old people.

Okay, unforeseen

semantic difficulty.

Hey, kid.

- How old are you?

- 17.

You drive?

So, sir.

Ashby. Call me Ashby.

Ashby.

So, let's start with the basics.

How old are you?

Let's just say...

I can't remember the last morning

I woke up with a piss-hard boner.

Yeah?

I wasn't... You know...

Wasn't...

I can still get the wood.

Okay.

What... What did you do for a living?

Sold napkins.

- Napkins?

- Napkins, coasters,

I did straws for a while

but it just wasn't my thing.

Sounds interesting.

Loved it.

Stop here.

I'm driving.

I'm 17.

Driving with...

Couple of shots in you, it's a skill.

All right.

Well, to the revolution.

So, what'd you think about, like,

this baby?

Football try outs in 15 minutes.

Become part of the myth,

if you have the courage.

There you go, there you go.

Good work, good work.

Ed.

- It's Ed, right?

- Yeah, yeah. Hi.

You know, I can't work you out.

Are you watching with jealousy or...

Or fear?

'Cause you look pretty grim,

but then all of a sudden

it's envy maybe or something.

I'm just watching.

I think not.

I'm a pretty good judge

of facial expressions.

What are you doing here?

Are you just filming?

You're a groupie or something?

As if I would let a football player

touch my delicate flesh.

Then, what are you doing?

I'm a...

Studying their brains.

After football hits,

you know how it jumbles up your brain.

Pre-season, mid-season, post-season.

- Why?

- I think it's fascinating.

Also, my Dad's a neurologist

and we actually have

an MRI machine in our house.

That's actually really cool.

Thanks. Most people think it's weird.

Most people are idiots.

Aren't they, though?

Yes.

- Come on. Yeah.

- Go.

Longing.

It's longing.

Hi, sweetie.

My drink with John

is turning into a dinner.

And, in fact, I...

I think I'll see you in the morning.

I love you.

Buddy, you're the best.

Buddy, you're the best.

Buddy, you're the best.

Hey, Dad.

- Hey, buddy.

- Virtual fist bump.

How's it going?

It's going good. Yeah.

I was just thinking

of things we can do when you get here.

Yeah, wanted to talk to you about that...

Small problemo here.

I'm gutted, man

but Fawn has a line on some furniture

in Florence.

The Italian thing is

going crazy down here.

Right.

Don't give me attitude, Ed.

Sorry.

It's just so hard for me

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