Ari Shaffir: Double Negative Page #2

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She was in between

two different kinds of birth control.

So, they used a condom

but the condom broke.

And they got the morning after pill

the next day.

The Plan B pill, and it didn't take.

It doesn't always work. I know.

Yeah, when you hear that out loud,

you realize, like,

she's definitely...

a liar.

There's no way. There's no way.

Any one of those things

should have killed that baby.

There's no way all four didn't do it.

Is that sperm breaking tackles

like he's Emmitt Smith in his prime?

Nobody believes that.

And who's breaking condoms, by the way?

If you're breaking condoms,

you're f***ing wrong.

You're not 17 anymore. How are you...?

Are you just like:

"F***. I broke another one."

"I know. Slow down."

Why are you drilling?

There's no oil down there, bro.

F***ing kiss once in a while

or something.

They're not supposed to break.

One time when I was little,

I was 7, 8 years old,

uh, I found a condom, unused.

And, uh...

I didn't know what to do with it,

a 7-year-old.

I was still ten years away

from using condoms.

And, like, 15 years away

from no longer using condoms.

Condoms suck. Condoms suck.

You girls have no idea

how shitty they are.

Female privilege.

Never worn a condom.

That's female privilege.

Nobody ever talks about that.

Here's what condoms feel like,

so you know.

A condom feels like you're getting

a massage while wearing a winter coat.

Where you're like,

"I get what you're going for.

It doesn't feel unpleasant,

but some skin to skin contact

would help this a long way."

I found this condom. I didn't know what

to do with it, 7-year-old, 8-year-old.

What are you gonna do?

I made a water balloon out of it.

That's what kids do.

I made it big, too. I made it that big.

I tested the strength of this condom.

It was shaking when I wasn't touching it.

That's how f***ing full it was.

It was shaped like this:

It was sitting on my porch with

the molecules almost breaking through.

"What am I gonna do with it?

It's my masterpiece."

At the time, it was the best thing

I'd ever done in my life.

"What am I gonna do?"

I saw my buddy coming around the corner.

I was like, "Oh, I'm gonna

bean this motherf***er."

That's what this condom water balloon

was put on the Earth for.

To soak my buddy Aaron.

I picked it up, right?

He didn't see me.

He came around the corner.

I just hucked it at him

as hard as I could.

It just bounced off of him, fell down.

Bounced away. Didn't even break.

How are you breaking it with love thrusts?

You're f***ing wrong.

That's how you got pregnant

off a Tinder date.

I don't know, man. You got kids?

You don't? What'd you do, pull out?

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