Ari Shaffir: Double Negative

Synopsis: Comedian Ari Shaffir steps outside of his yamaka to expose the uncomfortable truth that children are trash, and becoming an adult also brings about its own greasy problems.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Eric Abrams
Actors: Ari Shaffir

he came out with big f*cking buck teeth.

Like two times the size of regular...

Like Bugs Bunny ass giant buck teeth.

You know, that's not a deal breaker.

Nobody in the world is gonna be like,

"I don't want to do this anymore."

You'd have to be a monster.

At the same time, nobody dreams about it.

Nobody's like,

"When I have a kid, I'll teach him

how to eat pizza from the ground up

to get around those."

If there's a high wind, I've got to hold

his shoulder or he'll fly away.

Family pictures you're like, "Smile with

your mouth closed. We talked about this.

F*cking buck-tooth motherf*cker.

Ruining my goddamn dreams."

You don't got to worry about it

with an adopted kid.

With an adopted kid, you just go

into the human pound, you know.

You look around. All the kids come

to the front of their cages, I guess.

Pick me. Pick me. Please.

Please, please, please.

Please, please, please.

You're like,

"Kids, you're too needy.

Let me come to you."

And you see one shy kid

way in the back, you know.

You look up, he looks up at you.

"That might be him.

That might be my boy."

And you go over there all nervous.

"Hey, buddy.

What's your name?"

And he's like, "Peter."

"Hey, Peter. I'm Ari."


"You want to go home today?"

"I don't know, maybe. What the f*ck?"

"I think I like you.

I think you're gonna be my son."

He's like, "Yeah, that'd be cool."

"All right. Are you happy about that?"

"Yeah. Yeah."

"Like, can you show me that

you're happy?" "What do you want?"

"I don't know, smile or something."

"I don't want to."

"Why? It feels good to smile.

Everyone likes to smile.

It works out more muscles in your mouth."

And he's like, "Okay."

"No! F*cking buck teeth.

Nice try, motherf*cker.

You ain't ever getting out of here."

F*cking pregnant off a Tinder date.

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Ari Shaffir

Ari Shaffir (born February 12, 1974) is an American comedian, actor, podcaster, writer, and producer. He is both the producer and host of the Skeptic Tank podcast. He also co-hosts the podcast Punch Drunk Sports with Jayson Thibault and Sam Tripoli, and is a regular guest on The Joe Rogan Experience podcast. Shaffir was born in New York City, and was raised as an Orthodox Jew. His father, born in Iași, Romania, and grandmother were Holocaust survivors. Soon after his birth, his family moved to North Carolina, followed by Maryland. He attended high school in Rockville, Maryland, followed by time at Yeshiva University in New York City. In 1999, Shaffir graduated from University of Maryland. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"Ari Shaffir: Double Negative" STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 7 Dec. 2019. <>.

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