Anthony Jeselnik: Thoughts and Prayers Page #2

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Not always successful.

Like, I tried getting a puppy.

Disaster.

Had to get rid of that puppy.

Had to get rid of that puppy

almost immediately.

The first time I left it home alone,

the first time

I left that puppy home alone,

that damn thing

tore my entire place apart,

sh*t everywhere,

and starved to death.

Why are you mad?

I'm the one who couldn't

get his money back.

And this is traditionally where

crowds really start to turn on me.

After I kill a puppy with neglect.

And it's okay.

It's okay, you can get mad at me.

You can hate me.

You can hate me and still laugh at me.

That's how talented I am.

And I'm used to it. I'm used to it.

I once dated a girl who punched me

in the face as hard as she could.

Once dated a girl, punched me right

in the face as hard as she could.

I didn't do anything about it.

I didn't say anything about it.

I just turned around and left the room.

But in my head, in my head,

all I was thinking was...

"Now we're even."

She was so mad.

She got mad at me.

She got mad at me

'cause I killed all of her plants.

Killed every single one

of her house plants.

And she had told me.

She said, "Anthony,

I'm going out of town for two weeks.

Give each one of these half a cup

of water every other day."

But I'm a dude.

All I heard was "two weeks"

and "cheat on me."

Like my neighbors in L.A...

My neighbors in L.A. have got this

smokin' hot 18-year-old daughter.

I mean, she's perfect.

But she just got a tattoo

of a butterfly over her chest.

Which is horrible.

Doesn't she understand how dumb

that's gonna look some day,

all stretched out over my lamp?

Yeah, that's a joke.

That's a joke where I'm a serial killer.

I'm very open about it.

Don't you dare tighten up on me.

I hate sensitivity.

I hate it.

Even when little kids get sensitive,

that makes me mad.

I got a six-year-old nephew.

I asked what he wants for

his birthday. He said, "Uncle Anthony,

I want you to get me a Barbie doll."

I said, "F*** you."

"You six-year-old piece of sh*t."

And don't get me wrong.

Don't get me wrong,

I don't care if he plays with dolls.

He can wear dresses if he wants to.

But I'm not getting him a Barbie doll.

You see, Barbie dolls give little boys

unrealistic expectations...

...of how easy it's gonna be

to tear off a head.

I won't do it.

I get really mad when people

get sensitive about comedy.

If you're sensitive about comedy,

it's the dumbest thing you can do.

I call them the joke police.

They always have one rule,

one rule they have.

You can't make fun of this right now.

After a couple years,

they move on to something else,

which is why it's so hypocritical.

Like the thing today,

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