Angels in the Outfield Page #2

Well, I began this way, quote:

"Aloysius X. McGovern...

...the evil-tongued orator of the baseball

field, is a surly, unbred goat...

...whose mouth should be washed out

with a strong detergent."

Don't ever call me Aloysius.

You're not mad?

Dogs have fleas,

managers have sportswriters.

Oh, I'm not a sportswriter.

I do "Household Hints" on the Ladies' Page.

But I have a few facts and figures

about your...

Don't put so much ketchup on,

it spoils the flavor.

A few statistics

that might be interesting.

For instance, last season,

Minelli had a batting average of 0.310.

This year he had 0.210.

That's a hundred points' difference.

- Doesn't it prove something?

- I'll have to speak to Minelli.

Cruickshank's average is way down too,

93 points.

And Minden's and Begg's, it's the same

right through the whole batting list.

Where'd you gather this information?

Tim Durney helped me.

He's the Obituary editor.

What do you hear from Want Ads?

Well, I realize figures

can be misleading...

...but when an entire team

goes as sour as the Pirates...

...well, I look around for a reason,

and I look right at you.

What do you have to say, Mr. McGovern?

What did he say?

"Boo"?

Well, well, Guffy McGovern.

- How are things in seventh place?

- Fine, fine.

What do you do

with your afternoons now?

Thanks to you, I just signed a deal

to broadcast for the Giants...

...who, as you may have heard,

are leading the league.

Meanwhile, I'm just lying around,

thinking up things to say about you.

Catch me tonight, I'm on in an hour.

I can't wait.

I got a mission in life now, Guffy.

I'm gonna run you out of this town,

maybe right out of organized baseball.

- You wouldn't do that.

- Oh, yes, I would.

I'm a stinker.

Why don't we talk this over?

Let's step in here a minute, huh?

I got an exclusive for you.

Before I say good night,

I would like to reiterate...

...my opinions are those

of an unbiased observer...

...who has the best interest

of baseball at heart.

There is nothing personal in my feud

with Guffy McGovern.

Incidentally, don't look for me

on television tomorrow.

By asking questions,

I began to learn baseball.

Question:
What is a balk?

Answer:
See me tomorrow.

Question:
What is a rhubarb?

Answer:

Rhubarb.

You're out, McGovern!

You're out of the game.

And there you have it.

Final score:
Cincinnati 9, Pittsburgh 0.

The Pirates had a total of three hits,

seven errors.

The Reds, 14 hits...

Don't be so modest, Baxter.

You made two of those errors

all by yourself.

Why, what's the matter, Mr. Minden?

Did you think that was second base?

I'm certainly proud of you athletes today.

Particularly you, Mr. Ronson.

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