Amy Schumer: The Leather Special Page #3

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to do that longer, but it hurts.

I can't believe you guys do that.

That sucks for you.

My boyfriend usually comes in me.

He usually comes in me,

but sometimes you want to mix it up.

You gotta have fun.

We'll be having sex,

and then he'll ask my favorite question:

"Where should I come?"

First of all, I'm like,

"Thank you for thinking of me.

[chuckles] Like...

How did I even come up in your thoughts?"

And...

"Where should I come?"

As a comic,

I want to f*** around and be like,

"In this jar!" I'm just, like...

"Where should I come?"

[belches]

What do you think?

What do you think?

There's three answers, right?

If you're lying on your back,

what are the three places?

-[man] Tits!

-[second man] Face.

-[woman] Butt!

-Yes.

She goes, "Your butt." What?

I'm laying here.

I just went over. I'm not

on the f***ing Broncos or whatever.

I'm not in practice...

[grunting]

"Your butt." You're so cute.

No!

He goes, "Your head."

What are you talking about?

Just... [imitates splat]

"I'm the prettiest girl in Colorado."

"Your head."

-No.

-[woman] Tits!

Yes.

Your tits.

Great answer. Your tits.

And you have to say it

like your psyched about it.

"Where should I come?"

You have to go, "My titties!"

And--

And he goes, "Are you sure?"

And you go...

"Uh-huh! Mm-hmm.

I love it. I love it."

I hate not having come on my tits.

I just--

Walking around all day,

I'm at the bank, "Zero come on my tits.

Ohh."

My titties.

I also love the question

because of the confidence of it, right?

"Where should I come?"

I don't know about you guys.

I've never dated anyone

with American Sniper type accuracy.

Where I could be like, "Right here.

Hit the moving target."

I'm like, "Okay, Katniss... Um..."

Now, most of the time--

tell me if this is true for you guys--

he's like, "All right, are you ready?

Are those titties ready?"

And you're like, "Mm-hmm."

He's like, "Here it comes."

[imitates dribbling sound]

Right on the hand. Just a dribble, just--

A second ago,

you were the most powerful man alive.

Now you're just the last boy

at a carnival

with a melting ice cream cone.

And, God, we don't care.

I've never been, like...

[whining voice]

"Well, you said you'd come on my titties."

We don't. No girl cares.

But then there's that move

where in a moment of desperation,

the guy will be like...

And they try to finger paint.

You're like, "No, no, no!

It didn't happen for you. We're closed."

Sometimes it happens.

For three seconds, that means you go...

"Yay!"

And then you just kind of look

at each other, like...

And if you're with a really sweet guy,

he'll go, "Babe, do you want me

to go get you a..."

[snoring]

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