Amy Schumer: The Leather Special

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like a small barnyard animal, okay?

Small. Small.

I didn't, like--

not like a big, f***ed-up llama,

like, chewing and spitting

and reeking. No!

Little. Like a goat. You just--

You buy the food pellets, you know,

and you feed it,

and it's like...

And you're like, "Aah! he ate it."

You don't go like, "Eww!"

You go, "I want to get to a sink.

Kind of soon.

Kind of soon would be good." [chuckles]

'Cause it does smell.

That's on its best day.

On its worst day...

after a blackout...

ISIS.

It's f***ed up, guys.

It's bad. And you know what? That's fine.

That is the nature of a p*ssy. Right?

We're so worried and ashamed.

Our moms never sat us down

and said, "Okay, honey,

one day, you're sometimes

gonna have homeless p*ssy.

Lights out." Like, no.

They don't tell you.

And that's just the f***ing nature of it.

And it's like, we're so embarrassed.

I know some girls who won't let

anybody go down on them.

They're just like, "No, I don't know

what's going on down there."

I'm like, "What?"

Like, I will forward your mail. Go.

Head on down.

Head on down to Puss Town. And--

And if that's not your thing, fine,

you know?

If I ever started dating a guy,

and he was like,

"You know what, it's not my thing,"

I'd be like, "That's fine."

And then I would invite him

to go hiking at Red Rocks,

and I would push him

off a f***ing mountain.

Just...

[imitates thud]

[imitates thuds]

Right? And then they come up,

and they go to kiss you, and you go...

"Oh!

No. Mm-mm.

[groaning]

Mm-mm.

I don't want to."

Yeah, right. Me, I'm like... [groans]

I love that sh*t, that's sexy.

That's hot. I'm like, "Mmm. Soup."

I...

Don't even. I see some of the girls,

just a couple, you guys are close.

They're like, "No..."

[muttering]

Yes.

I wish we were raised more like men.

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