Amy Schumer: The Leather Special Page #2

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Right? Just, like, here's an example

of how we're different.

We're so worried about our pussies, right?

Have you ever had a guy

come in your mouth and go...

[inhales]

"Does it taste okay?

[whimpering]

I haven't been drinking a lot of water,

and I was a little worried."

[nervous muttering]

No!

That would never happen.

Because, men, you weren't raised

to hate yourselves.

You were raised, and your parents,

they're just like,

"Everything you do is a miracle."

And you're like,

"Yeah, everything I do is a miracle!"

And don't get me wrong, you guys.

We love your come.

Only complaint:
We want more of it.

More, more, more.

We want to do snow angels in it.

Yay!

Yay!

Mmm.

Is there anything bad about come?

I can't think of anything.

Oh, wait, I just thought of something.

If you got even a drop of it

in your mouth,

the rest of the day, you're going...

[grunting and exhaling]

"I'm fine.

[retching]

I'm fine. I'm fine. [retches]

Keep the meeting going."

[grunts]

[gargling]

That is awful.

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself...

on the big screens, doing shows.

First of all, I'm like, "Who's that dude?"

Like, I seriously--

I have good self-esteem, I do.

But I'll catch a glimpse of myself

on the screen sometimes,

and I'm like, "I shouldn't be here.

I should be on a mound, going, like..."

You know?

[deep voice] "Good job, ladies.

One more, ladies."

Let me be real,

because I was doing an interview.

It was me and Bill Hader,

and the interviewer

was asking him hard-hitting questions

like,

"What are your favorite German beers?"

And then

he was asking me softballs like,

"What's it like to f*** you?"

And Bill was upset. He was like,

"You don't have to answer that, Amy."

And I was like,

"He's gonna find out anyway, Bill!

Shut up, Bill."

But I told him, and I will tell you guys

exactly what it's like to f*** me.

Have you ever seen somebody

standing on a box,

painted all silver, in a town square?

And you don't know

if they're alive or not.

But every once in a while, just, "Boop!"

You're like, "Oh, it's a person!"

That's what it's like to f*** me.

That's it.

Like a street performer mime

in a town square.

Except no one's ever given me a dollar.

I don't do sh*t.

I lay there. I either lay on my back,

like that,

or if I want to blow his f***ing mind,

sometimes I lie on my stomach,

just like this.

Comes right away.

Men deserve more credit.

They do, when it comes to sex.

We don't have to do anything.

You guys, men,

you have to work so hard to f*** us.

You have to get hard,

you have to stay hard,

and you have to go like this.

[grunting]

I feel like it would be funny

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