American Wedding Page #2

F***ers!

Well, polish my nuts

and serve me a milkshake.

What's up?

That's right.

Oh! Cake?

Hope it's good.

Oh, gee.

Thanks for inviting me

to the graduation party,

f***er.

(SCOFFS)

Oh! F***ing right, doggy.

That's good cake! Holy sh*t!

Hi. How are you?

Congratulations.

Hey...

(GIGGLES)

"Congratulation, Jism!"

Excuse me. Stifler?

Hey, Jim!

Stifler,

what are you doing here?

Okay, man...

Happy fuckday, assmouth!

Put the cake down.

Check it out.

I made it all by myself.

Cute.

What happened to my invite?

Got lost in the mail,

fuckface?

Quiet!

Bite yourself.

That's what I thought.

I think I can

spell "Cajun Rectum."

Seriously, man.

Oh, Jesus.

Damn it, Stifler.

Jim, look what you did!

Look what I did?

Look at this sh*t!

What am I supposed to do now?

Are you happy now, man?

Why are you here?

My dick looks like

a corn dog.

I got cake

all over my balls.

JIM'S MOM:
Jim, honey?

Sh*t.

The Flahertys are waiting.

Do you think

he's upstairs, honey?

Oh, you're f***ed now, Jim.

(STIFLER CACKLES)

(GROWLING)

(BARKING)

Stifler, get up.

This dog's great!

Is it weird

that it feels good?

(LAUGHING)

All right...

What about the dining room?

I know you'll just love him.

Jesus, Stifler.

Stop enjoying it so much.

Lick it up!

You little sh*t.

Take your pants off, man.

(GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

Good Lord!

Oh, God!

Jim?

No, it's not

what it looks like.

What are you doing, Son?

My dogs!

Don't go in there, darling!

Lord knows what

they'll do to you!

I love this dog!

I was trying to

get him off, Dad.

That is your son?

Back away from the animal.

Mr. And Mrs. Flaherty,

I presume.

STIFLER:
Where are you going?

Well, lunch is served.

I really hope (STUTTERING)

That we can all

just forget about this,

and move on, and start again.

Start again fresh.

Jim, if you hope to be

the provider and protector

for our firstborn daughter,

you have a long way to go.

Thank you, sir.

They think

you're an angel

and I'm just some

ungrateful dog rapist.

They just think they raised

the proper little band girl.

And, besides, sometimes

it's nice to be

more traditional.

How so? How do

you mean traditional?

I'm thinking

about the wedding.

How it's just this one day,

one day where

everyone's eyes are

on me for a change.

I've just never

walked into a room

and had everyone go,

"Ooh" and "Ah"

and "Isn't she elegant?"

That is exactly

how our wedding

is going to be.

I promise.

Sh*t. I got a frosted

ass crack. Hey, Finch?

You want this

for here or to go?

"A witty saying

proves nothing." Voltaire.

"Suck my dick." Ron Jeremy.

Boys, anybody seen

the bride's parents?

No? Hmm.

Wait a second.

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