American Pie Presents: Band Camp Page #2

This year, Dr. Susan Choi,

president of Robards...

will judge the compositions herself.

And let's not forget to welcome

the Tall Oaks Camp Counselors.

If you visit our infirmary, Nurse Sanders

will take care of your every need.

Okay, so let's work hard,

and may the best band win.

You guys ready?

What the f***?

Are you a rookie? You look lost.

Are you an a**hole?

You're hairy, and you smell like sh*t.

I'll ignore that kind of talk once.

We don't speak that way here.

Rookies are to wear their beanies

at all times. Those are the rules.

And who made you

the mayor of Geek Town?

I'm Brandon Vandecamp,

senior drum major, Beechwood Academy...

and the president of the Tall Oaks Council.

Oh, and who are they, Mr. President?

The First Lady and Vice P*ssy?

Suits you well.

Golly, jeepers, thanks. Hey, you know,

since I'm an official band geek and all...

can you guess

what my favorite piece of music is?

- I have no idea.

- The Nutcracker.

Step back, b*tch.

Holy mother of Mozart.

This is bad.

You didn't know Jackie Chan

was in the house, did you boys, huh?

Stop that. Stop that now.

Those knob-slobbers started it.

That's not true, sir.

We simply reminded him to wear his beanie.

And then he viciously assaulted

Brandon's genitals.

- That's a lie, you dick-snot.

- Oscar, Jimmy, escort this man to see...

- the Macro.

- The what?

- You're dead.

- Now, gentlemen.

God, Brandon, are you okay?

You want to tell me

what the hell you're doing here, Stifler?

It don't matter, Big O.

He ain't gonna be here long.

- B*tch!

- Get over here.

Macro gonna f*** your ass up, fool.

- What the f***'s a macro?

- The Macro.

Morale And Conflict Resolution Officer.

I heard this one time,

this kid went into that office...

a baritone and came out a soprano.

- Clarinet up the ass backwards, yo.

- What?

Pussies.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Frankenstein. Scary stuff.

I am just a Boris Karloff nut.

- I'm the Macro, Mr. Levenstein.

- Holy sh*t, you're Jim's dad.

He screwed that redheaded nympho chick

at my lake house.

- Oh, my, you're not a Stifler?

- Yeah, I'm Steve's brother, Matt.

- There are two Stiflers?

- Yes, sir. Hey, what're you doing here?

Oh, well, Jim is now out of the house,

married to Michelle...

that redheaded nympho chick

that you spoke of.

And, being a former

Tall Oaks Counselor of the Year...

she was hired to be the Macro this summer,

but she got pregnant.

No doubt due to the tendencies

you alluded to earlier.

And I have a great rapport with

young people...

so I just stepped in and volunteered.

That cretin is not in our band,

and we are not responsible for his actions.

- Who pissed in your piccolo?

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