American Dirtbags Page #2

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That's reasonable, you know

what else is reasonable?

I don't want just his nuts,

I want your nuts, too.

You remember what nuts are Jack,

those are those two

things in your throat

that you have to cough

up every once in awhile.

And I want your dick, your

little shriveled up baby dick

that you can't get hard anymore.

So take your little boy hands,

and reach into your diaper

that you're shitting

yourself in right now

and pull out your baby

dick and cough up your nuts

and let's make a deal.

- Yes ma'am.

- Are you f***ing

cryin', right now?

- No.

- Do you wanna go get pizza?

Me, too, thanks guys.

- I wouldn't be

surprised if she went home

at night and took cute

little innocent puppies

and drowned 'em in

her f***ing tub.

I hope that cold-hearted

b*tch gets mauled

by a god damn mountain lion.

Sh*t was gettin' rough.

Sometimes I was payin'

for gas and smokes

with change I

found in the couch.

- Hey, mister?

- - Yeah, buddy?

- Will you buy me a six-pack?

- No.

- - Hold on,

a six-pack is worth,

what, eight bucks?

I'll give you thirty

bucks, keep the change.

- Now I ain't tryin'

to be a bad guy,

and I ain't tryin' to be

a bad influence, neither,

but I just figured, f*** it.

Yeah, all right.

- Yes.

- Next thing I knew, I had

a little business goin'.

And business was boomin' boy.

All right, now normally

the 40s are 20,

I'm sold out of

six-packs right now,

you can get a fifth for

$50 or a handle for 100.

On account of it

bein' the holidays,

I'm doin' a 20% discount,

what you guys want?

- I want a beer

- whiskey.

- Word spread like a

damn field fire in California.

In just two months, I was

supplyin' teenagers with booze

in six different

counties, for real, man.

Now try to keep in mind,

I wasn't tryin' to

do nothin' wrong,

it's not like I was sellin'

drugs to little kids.

Hell, I don't even

mess with drugs, man,

and god knows I could have

gotten into that sh*t.

I tried it once or

twice, I didn't like it.

My brother Victor,

though, took to that sh*t

like a fish to f***ing water.

- 20 bucks.

- Yeah, yeah, bro, this

sh*t better be good.

Last sh*t you gave me wasn't.

- When he was a

teenager, he started stealing

from Ronny's stash and

selling it at school.

He'd be tripping out if I

told him what I started doin'.

I quit my job and went

full-time booze bandit.

It was excitin', man.

I felt like Bo and Luke

Duke runnin' from boss hog.

Minus the shitty blue jeans

and faggy hair, no offense.

Those Vietnamese dudes

at the liquor store

must have thought I was

a serious alcoholic,

I was blowin' a

thousand dollars a week,

and not on expensive

sh*t, neither.

Life was pretty kick-ass, I

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