Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife Page #2
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2018
- 64 min
- 397 Views
that's how Command hook-like they are.
But apparently, you have to get the baby
to latch on at a very specific angle.
You gotta tilt their head and do geometry
to get them on properly.
And it's very stressful,
because when they're hungry
and they're crying,
it makes your hormones spray milk
all over their face and their neck,
which then become very slippery
and hard to grip,
and then you gotta slam them on
at just the right time.
it was like parallel parking.
I don't know how I did it!
It's a mystery. I was never
properly trained, but I just did it.
I just went back and forth,
and back and forth, and back and forth,
until all these very concerned strangers
start gathering outside of my car.
Those people who gather
outside of Asian women's cars
while we're parking...
Are so helpful and so racist
at the same time.
I'm always like, "Thank you.
Thank you, but f*** you...
For assuming correctly about me!
I could not have done this without you!"
My mom saw me struggle with breastfeeding
and she was very discouraging about it,
and she was like,
"Why are you breastfeeding?
I raised you on formula
and look how shiny your hair is."
She was like, "Are you falling
for that bullshit slogan,
'breast is best'?"
I was like, "No...
I do it because breast is free.
Come on, Mom, you know what it is.
Local, organic, free-range,
farm-to-mouth milk
squirting outta my titties."
It was squirting out of like 15 holes
in each titty,
like the Bellagio fountain, just, "Woo.
Woo, woo, woo.
Woo, woo, woo."
For free!
My body was a food factory.
I wasn't about to let that all
go to waste.
If you shat juicy hamburgers...
Would you ever wait in line
at In-N-Out again?
No, you would pop a squat
over your husband's head every morning.
And tell him to open wide...
Because breakfast is on the way...
Animal style.
Yeah, you'd be like,
"I got your secret menu right here."
Work, work, work, work, work
I had to stop breastfeeding
after eight and a half months.
I could not take it anymore.
By the end, I felt like The Giving Tree.
I used to not-understand
what that depressing-ass book was about.
And now I know it's about breastfeeding!
It's about a mom who used to have all
of these beautiful branches and apples,
and then this little freeloader
comes into her life,
takes all of her sh*t,
and then she just becomes
a sad-ass tree stump
with deflated titties!
People kept on asking me,
"Ali, how did you get so skinny
after the baby?"
As it turns out,
breastfeeding is not free
because you have to buy
all of these pillows and pumps
to support your breastfeeding,
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"Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/ali_wong:_hard_knock_wife_2434>.
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