Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife Page #2

Synopsis: Comedian Ali Wong performs her live stand-up set at Toronto's Winter Garden Theatre.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Jay Karas
Actors: Ali Wong
 
IMDB:
7.3
Rotten Tomatoes:
100%
TV-MA
Year:
2018
64 min
397 Views


that's how Command hook-like they are.

But apparently, you have to get the baby

to latch on at a very specific angle.

You gotta tilt their head and do geometry

to get them on properly.

And it's very stressful,

because when they're hungry

and they're crying,

it makes your hormones spray milk

all over their face and their neck,

which then become very slippery

and hard to grip,

and then you gotta slam them on

at just the right time.

And every time I would do it,

it was like parallel parking.

I don't know how I did it!

It's a mystery. I was never

properly trained, but I just did it.

I just went back and forth,

and back and forth, and back and forth,

until all these very concerned strangers

start gathering outside of my car.

Those people who gather

outside of Asian women's cars

while we're parking...

Are so helpful and so racist

at the same time.

I'm always like, "Thank you.

Thank you, but f*** you...

For assuming correctly about me!

I could not have done this without you!"

My mom saw me struggle with breastfeeding

and she was very discouraging about it,

and she was like,

"Why are you breastfeeding?

I raised you on formula

and look how shiny your hair is."

She was like, "Are you falling

for that bullshit slogan,

'breast is best'?"

I was like, "No...

I do it because breast is free.

Come on, Mom, you know what it is.

Local, organic, free-range,

farm-to-mouth milk

squirting outta my titties."

It was squirting out of like 15 holes

in each titty,

like the Bellagio fountain, just, "Woo.

Woo, woo, woo.

Woo, woo, woo."

For free!

My body was a food factory.

I wasn't about to let that all

go to waste.

If you shat juicy hamburgers...

Would you ever wait in line

at In-N-Out again?

No, you would pop a squat

over your husband's head every morning.

And tell him to open wide...

Because breakfast is on the way...

Animal style.

Yeah, you'd be like,

"I got your secret menu right here."

Work, work, work, work, work

I had to stop breastfeeding

after eight and a half months.

I could not take it anymore.

By the end, I felt like The Giving Tree.

I used to not-understand

what that depressing-ass book was about.

And now I know it's about breastfeeding!

It's about a mom who used to have all

of these beautiful branches and apples,

and then this little freeloader

comes into her life,

takes all of her sh*t,

and then she just becomes

a sad-ass tree stump

with deflated titties!

People kept on asking me,

"Ali, how did you get so skinny

after the baby?"

She sucked the life outta me!

As it turns out,

breastfeeding is not free

because you have to buy

all of these pillows and pumps

to support your breastfeeding,

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Ali Wong

Alexandra "Ali" Wong (born April 19, 1982) is an American actress, stand-up comedian, and writer. She is noted for her Netflix stand-up specials Baby Cobra and Hard Knock Wife, as well as her television appearances in American Housewife, Are You There, Chelsea?, Inside Amy Schumer, and Black Box. She also wrote for the first three seasons of the sitcom Fresh Off the Boat. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/ali_wong:_hard_knock_wife_2434>.

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