Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife Page #3

Synopsis: Comedian Ali Wong performs her live stand-up set at Toronto's Winter Garden Theatre.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Jay Karas
Actors: Ali Wong
 
IMDB:
7.3
Rotten Tomatoes:
100%
TV-MA
Year:
2018
64 min
396 Views


and then you might get a clogged duct.

That's when you get like a traffic jam

kidney stone in your titty,

and then

you have to call a lactation consultant.

A lactation consultant is a white

NPR listener with dreadlocks,

Named Indigo,

That you have to pay $200

to rush over to your house

and Roto-Rooter your titty.

Indigo had me do push-ups,

dipping my titty in and out of a bowl

of scalding hot water,

and then beat my titty like this

in the interim.

This is why women need maternity leave.

In every other First World country...

Canada, France, Germany...

Women get up to three years off

paid maternity leave

when they have a new baby.

In the US, we get jack sh*t.

In the US, there is zero federal policy

for maternity leave.

Maternity leave is not just to bond

with the baby.

F*** the baby!

Maternity leave is for new moms to hide

and heal their demolished-ass bodies!

I couldn't go back to work topless

beating my wet titty,

trying to establish dominance

over all my coworkers.

You'd get fired!

People don't tell you

about all the crazy sh*t

that goes down when you get pregnant,

when you give birth.

When I was pregnant,

a lot of other moms

had highly recommended to me,

"Ali, now you make sure at the hospital

to steal a bunch of the free diapers."

"Yeah, duh, I know for the baby."

"No. For you..."

"For me?

What the f*** do I need diapers for?"

"Oh, you'll see..."

Winter is coming."

And indeed I did see!

Nobody told me about all the crazy sh*t that

comes out of your p*ssy after you give birth.

You know what happens

after the baby comes out?

You know what else exits?

Her house.

Her living room, her pillows...

the Bob Marley poster...

All the food that went bad

in her refrigerator... for months!

So then you have

to wear this cartoonishly large pad.

That's like the size

of a toddler mattress,

and it's only held up by the strength

of this mesh fishnet underwear

that's exclusively available

at the hospital.

You can't get that sh*t

on Amazon or anything,

so you gotta snatch that sh*t every day.

It's made out of the same material

that they package fancy Korean pears in.

It's very Dac Biet, okay?

Number one extra large Dac Biet

hospital underwear.

For three months,

I was walking around my house

with a top knot,

giant diaper, nipples bleeding.

Like a defeated sumo wrestler.

I had a C-section. Yeah.

Which was not the original intention,

but I was having contractions

for 24 hours. Yeah.

And then I was like, "Cut it out."

The nurse was like, "Keep going."

I was like, "B*tch, I said cut it out. Your

price is way too high You need to cut it

Cut it, cut it, you need to cut it

The nurse was not a big hip hop fan, so...

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Ali Wong

Alexandra "Ali" Wong (born April 19, 1982) is an American actress, stand-up comedian, and writer. She is noted for her Netflix stand-up specials Baby Cobra and Hard Knock Wife, as well as her television appearances in American Housewife, Are You There, Chelsea?, Inside Amy Schumer, and Black Box. She also wrote for the first three seasons of the sitcom Fresh Off the Boat. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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