Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife

Synopsis: Comedian Ali Wong performs her live stand-up set at Toronto's Winter Garden Theatre.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Jay Karas
Actors: Ali Wong
Rotten Tomatoes:
64 min

Yeah, I don't find any of these bitches

particularly interesting or fun,

but when you're a new mom

on maternity leave,

it's like The Walking Dead,

you just gotta hook up with a crew

to survive.

I used to hate on other moms

for the clothes that they wore.

You know these fucking clothes

that moms wear,

all that cheesy-ass animal print and...

loud metallic shiny shoes.

And now I see something that's bedazzled

in rhinestones, and I'm like, "Oh...

That looks nice.

I think I'ma get that!"

The more glitter the better,

because when you're a mom

you need sparkle.

To compensate for the light inside of you

that has died.

A lot of young women have anxiety

about giving birth.

Well, let me tell you something.

Giving birth ain't nothing

compared to breastfeeding!

Breastfeeding is brutal.

It is chronic physical torture.

I thought it was supposed to be

this beautiful bonding ceremony,

where I would feel like I was sitting

on a lily pad in a meadow

and bunnies would gather at my feet

while the fat Hawaiian man version

of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"

would play.


It's not like that at all!

Breastfeeding is this savage ritual

that just reminds you

that your body is a cafeteria now!

It don't belong to you no more.

When my baby girl would get hungry,

she'd yank my nipple back and forth

like that bear fucking up

Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant.

It's frightening. I saw that movie,

and my nipples were like,

"I feel you, Leo!"

I didn't take any classes

on breastfeeding,

because I assumed it was just gonna be

this very easy intuitive thing

where the baby sucks on your nipple

like a straw,

and the nurse promised me

that I would have

a particularly easy time,

since my nipples look like fingers.

You can spin DVDs on them,

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Ali Wong

Alexandra "Ali" Wong (born April 19, 1982) is an American actress, stand-up comedian, and writer. She is noted for her Netflix stand-up specials Baby Cobra and Hard Knock Wife, as well as her television appearances in American Housewife, Are You There, Chelsea?, Inside Amy Schumer, and Black Box. She also wrote for the first three seasons of the sitcom Fresh Off the Boat. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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