Adventureland Page #2

-Nad attack!

-Frigo, Frigo! Hey, get off of me.

-Brennan, come here.

-Frigo, stop. Okay.

There's the lawn mower, lawn mower,

lawn mower!

-Yes!

-Frigo.

Oh, Brennan!

Right here, sir! Right here, sir!

Have a funtastic time!

I don't have much work experience,

per se, but...

I'm sorry.

Paulette? Come in, Paulette? Bobby?

Bobby?

-Paulette, come in, Paulette?

-Channels.

-You just... You gotta press it.

-Oh, they're gone.

Okay.

This is James,

and he's applying for a games job.

Games! Oh, great, good.

Let's get you set up.

Actually, Bobby, I'd prefer a rides job,

if it's still open.

You look more like a games guy,

plus I've already got out

the games application, so... All right?

Okay. Yeah, no. I just...

My name is Bobby.

Okay, rules. No freebies,

no free turns for your friends,

-no free upgrades, no free food.

-So, just nothing is free here.

Everybody has to pay for everything.

And more importantly,

working in games,

no one ever wins a giant-ass panda.

Yeah, we don't have that many left.

Cool? Can you hand me

a T-shirt, please?

Here, I have a resume. I don't know

if you still want to take a look at it.

James? Am I pronouncing that right?

-James? James?

-Yeah.

Okay, by accepting this T-shirt,

you are...

Hired!

Well, usually I...

-More of a ceremonial thing, the T-shirt.

-Sorry.

Okay, new guy, let's get this over with.

Here we are

at the first of many shitty games.

This one is inexplicably

called The Flighing Dutchman.

Even more inexplicable

is how they decided to spell it.

Hey, Jerry.

$1 buys 5 rings.

If one of the rings lands

on one of the red bottles,

they win a giant-ass panda.

-That is a giant-ass panda.

-Yeah, it's the best prize in the park.

And that's because this game

is un-winnable.

Observe. I'll drop a ring

from 3 inches away.

So nobody ever wins?

If someone wins a giant-ass panda

on your watch,

you should just go home

because you're fired, okay?

So the object of the game

is to knock the hat off the dummy

with a softball,

except, as you'll see,

half the hats are glued on.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I mean, we pay little Malaysian kids

we can't just give them away.

You get a 5-minute bathroom break

every 2 hours.

I recommend saving a few of those up

in case you have to go number 2.

Brennan, they got you working on games?

What a p*ssy! You're such a p*ssy!

-You know that demented person?

-Yeah. He used to be my best friend.

Then I turned 4.

So if you stand

directly below the hoop,

you will see that it's been hammered

into an oval shape.

But from back there,

the sucker just can't tell.

Jesus, that's so wrong.

A criminal abuse

of the laws of perspective.

Yeah, well,

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