Achmed Saves America Page #2

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Achmed:
Are you infidels friendly or idiots

or just friendly idiots?

Wayne:
Sorry about the mix-up at the airport, but that is all over now. Let's get you to your new home.

Achmed:
You're taking me to your cave?

Wayne:
Well, I do have a man cave. It's the garage.

Kevin:
Is he naked?

Ginny:
Try not to make him feel bad, okay, honey? He's probably poor. Let's get you a hot meal first.

Cassidy:
We have the foreigner. Can we please go to the mall?

Achmed:
I have moled myself, "first season of Homeland" style, among the enemy, the hated ones. These people who call themselves Wilson are cunning, though. They insist on treating me with respect and feeding me an obscene amount of food that I can barely keep down.

"I have the same problem."

Achmed:
Their town is in terrible shape, and their lives are filled with emptiness and failure, yet they don't take

the obvious route of blowing themselves and everyone around them up. What's up with that?

Wayne:
I just work on the assembly line now, but my dream is to design the cars, like this.

Achmed:
This is a gas-guzzling, obnoxious testament to everything the rest of the world hates about America.

Wayne:
Exactly. It'll be a huge seller and save the company. If only my boss would look at it.

Ginny:
He will, because it's perfect,

honey, just like you.

Achmed:
These are nothing like the Americans I was taught to hate, which makes me hate them more. Plus, I had no idea women could drive. Well, this is your home

for the summer, Claude. It's cozy, but we love it. I am nauseated by the evil stench of decadence.

Kevin:
He did it.

Ginny:
Now, Kevin.

Wayne:
Don't pick on our guest. He's had a long day. You know he was hit by a minivan. Why don't you and your sister go toss the football or something?

Kevin:
Fine.

Cassidy:
I'm going to Angie's.

Ginny:
Don't ignore your phone.

Cassidy:
It's not the phone I ignore.

Ginny:
Kids today.

Achmed:
In my land, they would have

both been stoned by now.

Wayne:
That's right. You French kids start drinking

early, don't you?

Ginny:
Wayne, remember our surprise.

Wayne:
Oh, sure. Be right back.

Achmed:
So now that I am deep

in the bowels of the enemy,

I will make it my mission

to explode out a reeky,

steaming vengeance,

but how and when?

Both:
Ta-da!

Achmed:
Ah! Are you Catholic?

Wayne:
No, we're American.

Ginny:
Claude, you got here just in time for our town's 100th birthday celebration, and it's tomorrow!

Wayne:
Ginny's in charge of the parade and the fireworks.

Ginny:
It's going to be some show.

Achmed:
Fireworks? Explosions? Large crowds?

Ginny:
We'll fix your room up, Claude.

Achmed:
You go ahead. I'll just be here innocently

plotting and scheming. This is going to be easier

than I thought. Ha Ha! Stupid Americans. They always leave their dynamite just lying around. Let me go!

I keel you! Oh, stop. Stop that. I cannot be murderous

when I am being tickled. I keel you! I've been working

on my big bomb. All the dead long night. Dear diary, my bomb is complete. Tomorrow I will get my revenge

on these people who have been so nice to me.

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