Absolutely Anything Page #2
We're doing a demolition job.
But it's the best thing he's ever written.
Everyone says so.
That's why we have to pee on it
from a great height.
I want ten new questions, please, before noon.
Don't you know? She never reads the books.
She hates books.
Why is she presenting
a book programme, then?
I spy trouble. Just...
Look, Catherine, you may despise her ego,
but that's what people tune in to see.
Not books, not authors, God forbid,
but Fenella's rampant, pulsating,
sexually arousing ego.
No, I think people watch because
it's a book programme and they love books.
Books are finished.
Our job is to provide scandal, gossip
and character assassination,
with a thin veneer of literary respectability.
Oh, so we're not just selling out, then?
We've sold out?
Exactly.
For God's sake, smile.
It's enough to make you weep, isn't it?
What?
The price of pickles.
Don't even look at the marinated herring.
Honestly, you'd be suicidal.
I didn't want them, anyway.
Thanks.
Um, I also offer support and counselling
on dips, dried fruit and pasta sauces.
She's gone.
- The usual test, Sharon?
- The usual test, Kylie.
One earthling will be chosen randomly,
as defined by
the Intergalactic Manual of Good and Evil.
Page 56. paragraph B.
Uh, page 56, paragraph D.
Uh, right.
To prove that they understand
the difference between good and evil.
How will they prove it?
They will be given the power
that all superior beings have.
The earthling will be capable
of doing absolutely anything.
What if he uses his power for evil?
The Earth will be eliminated.
But if he uses it for good?
Then we welcome them
to the Intergalactic Community.
Are we ready, gentlemen?
Commencing random
selection of earthlings.
Processing...
Processing...
Earthling.
Jolly good!
Wait!
Selected.
The earthling has ten days to prove
he can use absolute power for good
rather than for evil.
God.
F*** you!
All they want me to do is help them
sneer at people who write wonderful books.
Well, my producer just wants me
to dig up dirt on Amenhotep Ill.
I keep telling them he had a kind nature
and lovely hands.
an evening with Amenhotep Ill.
Yeah, except he's been dead
4,000 years, Rosie,
and he'd spend all day long
talking about embalming.
Well, find me a good one that's still breathing.
Tell me about it.
What about Grant?
Oh, well, Colonel Grant
turned out to have issues.
Jssues?
- Yeah, like being clinically insane.
Shame.
Maybe that's overstating it.
Uh, just obsessive, possessive
and pathologically jealous.
What about him upstairs?
in the supermarket.
Oh, so he's gay?
What?
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"Absolutely Anything" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/absolutely_anything_2172>.
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