A Walk in the Woods Page #2

This one here is 289.

You've got to be shitting... Oh, okay.

I see what you're thinking, but out

on the trail, you're gonna thank me.

Are you coming?

You'll need a rain cover too, of course.

- A rain cover? Why?

- To keep out the rain.

- The backpacks aren't waterproof?

- Not 100%.

The rain cover weighs

four point six ounces.

You know how much weight it would add

to fully waterproof an 85-liter pack?

Well, I'll tell you. (CHUCKLES) It's a lot.

Let's not forget...

Oh, let me guess, in case you want

to do a little impromptu gardening?

No. You know the saying, "Take only

memories, leave only footprints".

Poop.

(LAUGHS)

- Oh, sh*t.

- Exactly.

CATHERINE:

Thought you'd find these interesting.

A Virginia man's remains

left undiscovered for 18 days

after he suffers

a catastrophic medical condition

just one week into his solo trek.

Most commonly spread through

infected rodent saliva, urine, and feces,

which become airborne particles...

Several law enforcement personnel

have expressed concern

about the gruesome nature

of these latest murders,

including dismemberment

and ritualistic savagery.

You are not doing this alone.

BRYSON:
This is Bryson.

How would you like to join me

for a little stroll?

It's a chance to grab some fresh air,

while there's still some left.

You know, studies show

Americans need to walk more.

Our forefathers, they walked everywhere.

It'll give you something to do

for the next six months.

Let me know if you're interested.

CATHERINE:
Rabies, crazed skunks,

raccoons, and squirrels,

merciless fire ants, and ravening blackfly.

Poison ivy, poison sumac, poison oak,

poison salamanders,

even a scattering of moose?

(PHONE BEEPS)

MAN #1:
Bryson, four words:

Not in this lifetime.

(BEEPS)

MAN #2:
I wish I could, Bill,

but I just switched to a new beta blocker.

I barely have enough energy

- to get dressed in the...

- (BEEPS)

MAN #3:
Next time, call

me for something fun.

- Like a colonoscopy.

- (BEEPS)

MAN #4:
Bill, I think you've been the victim

of identity theft.

I got the most ridiculous message

- from someone claiming...

- (BEEPS)

MAN #5:
Bill, you know you can see the whole

trail online in less than four minutes?

You know, you can't count Dan Budge.

Dying is not the same as saying no.

(BRYSON MUMBLES)

Did we know about that?

About Dan's death?

Yeah, I think

it was in Janice's Christmas card.

Well, that explains why she was so miffed

about my invitation.

(PHONE RINGING)

It's in the...

- (BEEPS)

- Hello?

Hello?

KATZ:
Hey, it's me.

I'm sorry?

Bryson, it's Katz.

- It's Katz?

- Yeah.

- Stephen?

- Yeah.

- (KATZ LAUGHS)

- Whoa.

You're in the States?

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote