A Million Ways to Die in the West Page #2

(GASPS) Eddie!

Oh, hi, sweetie.

What are you doing here?

EDWARD:
Well, I got off work early

and I thought we could go

for a walk by the stream.

- (EXHALES) Oh.

- Oh...

Oh, your breath is, uh...

Ooh! Ooh.

- I had to give a blowj*b. Sorry.

- Oh, that's okay.

It's okay. Here, I got

you some flowers.

(GASPS)

- They're beautiful!

- Yeah, come on.

Don't I have the best

boyfriend, Millie?

Honestly, I have no f***ing idea.

Bye!

Oh, hey, Ruthie, Clyde Hodgkins

wanted to come by a little later on.

What did he want?

I think he wants anal.

Oh, honey, we can afford to get

you that new belt for church!

Oh, that would be great!

I know!

So, like, 5:
30? Does that work?

Ah, that should work. Yeah.

Well, what time is his appointment?

Uh, it's really not like a

dentist's office here, Edward.

You know, he'll just come by

when he feels like putting

his penis inside an a**hole.

Yeah, so we'll just say 5:30.

- (BOTH CHUCKLING)

- Okay.

(BLEATING)

ALBERT:
Oh, sh*t.

(BLEATING)

(HORSE HUFFS)

You're late.

For what?

Fair enough.

EDWARD:
Albert.

Hey, guys.

We heard about Louise.

That's horrible.

We're so sorry, Albert.

Do you want to sit down?

I'm good. I'm gonna

rest my a**hole.

I was just looking at these old

pictures of me and Louise.

This is from the carnival.

EDWARD:
Oh, yeah.

ALBERT:
There's the town picnic.

RUTH:
Oh.

ALBERT:
This is the square dance.

I almost wish you could

smile in photographs.

Louise has such an amazing smile.

- That'd be weird.

- Huh?

Have you ever smiled

in a photograph?

- No, have you?

- Oh, God, no.

No, you'd look like

an insane person.

But, it's just, you know,

I've been sitting here

trying to figure out how the hell

I could have screwed this up.

I did everything for her.

If she was happy, I was happy.

That's all I cared about.

(SIGHS) And she was the one

thing that made the shootings,

and the diseases, and the wild

animals, and the Indians,

and the general depressing

awfulness about the West

bearable. (SIGHS)

God, I love her so much.

You're gonna make me cry.

- Let's get f***ed up.

- Yeah.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

So, what are you gonna do?

Uh...

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Commit suicide, maybe.

Albert, I know everything

seems hopeless right now,

but I promise you, there's

so much to live for.

Really? Is there?

What is there to live for on

the frontier in 1882? Huh?

Look, let me tell you something.

We live in a terrible

place and time.

The American West is a disgusting,

awful, dirty, dangerous place.

Look around you.

Everything out here that's

not you wants to kill you.

Outlaws, angry drunk people,

scorned hookers, hungry animals,

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