A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum Page #3

Yes.

Forget about the minae and the seashells.

Just give me me.

- Give you you?

- My freedom.

Pseudolus, people do not go around

freeing slaves every day.

Be the first, start a fashion.

- Get me that girl.

- And if I do?

- You are free.

- I am what?

- Free.

- Free!

If Ive told you once

Ive told you a hundred times,

do not fan the girls when theyre wet!

But youll never learn.

Youll be a eunuch all your life.

Oh! You b*tch!

(coins jangle)

I know that sound.

And I love it.

Ugh! You.

How did you come into money?

An unexpected legacy.

My uncle Simo, the Carthaginian elephant

breeder, came to an untimely end.

He was crushed to death

on the last day of the mating season.

- This morning I bought my freedom.

- Congratulations... citizen.

With this much left over

for one gross indulgence.

Lycus, I am in the market

for a lifetime companion.

I say in all modesty, I have an assortment

of beauty second to none, and... Who?

My former young master.

Thought Id further his education.

Hes bored with picture books.

You understand?

Who better than l?

Come in, little boy, wont you?

Eunuchs, quickly. A buyer!

(soothing music )

Was I a good year?

Now, for your approval and

possible purchase, from out of the East,

with the face of an idol, the arms of

a willow tree, the pelvis of a camel:

Tintinabula.

(drum roll)

(belly-dance music )

Was this the one?

No.

Dont you have anyone

in there a bit less noisy?

I have.

Vibrata. A desert bloom of

indescribable beauty. Lithe as a tigress.

Wondrous as a flamingo.

For he whose interest is the wildlife.

Thank you.

(Sixties jazzy dance music )

- No.

- Uh!

Frankly, I was hoping to live past

my wedding night. She seems a bit too...

No matter. I understand.

Consider the Gemini: a matched pair.

Look at them -

either one a divinely assembled woman,

together, an infinite number

of mathematical possibilities.

(sweeping romantic music )

"(hoarsely)" No.

Im a man of limited means, and I dont

suppose youd want to break up a set.

I couldnt. You do understand?

Completely. Do go on.

And on, and on, and on, and on, and on.

Enough! I know what you want.

Behold Panacea.

Panacea, whose face holds

a thousand promises,

and a body that stands behind

each promise.

"(? big-band jazz)"

"(very hoarsely)" No.

(whistles)

Dont misunderstand - its the proportions.

I love the breadth, its the length.

She may be the right length, but is

she right for me? You see what I mean?

- Isnt she a bit too short?

- Definitely not.

- Too tall?

- Thats where youre perfect together.

Yes, but how often will we find

ourselves in "this" position?

No need to compromise.

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