A Child's Christmases in Wales

Synopsis: Young Owen recalls how, at Christmas 1983 when he was ten, his obsessively tidy mother and penny-pinching father hosted his two paternal uncles, garrulous carpet king Huw, perpetually attacking his ex-wife and with silent son Maurice in tow, and shambling out-of-it Gorwel. Huw brings a series of computer games, none of which work, whilst Mum steps on the Subbuteo set. Three years later and the annoying neighbors the Cadwallander boys are still charging the earth for their carol-singing, and Huw is still bitter about his ex-wife, but his gift of an artificial Christmas tree causes Mum to junk their real one. The uncles fall out over a game of Hungry Hippos and Huw's tree goes up in smoke, prompting the return of the real one. By 1989 the family has a phone and a color television. Huw brags that he fitted Tom Jones' new carpet and the Cadwallander boys have a CD out, but Gorwel gets into a fight trying to move them on. At least he wins his bet that it will be a white Christmas, though th
Genre: Comedy
59 min

So I successfully sued him for 7,500.


That's the last time anybody will steal

any milk from my doorstep, eh?

Now, on to May.

Started with a bang.

Got a conservatory built. 3,500.

What is a conservatory exactly?

It's like a garden, but indoors.

They reckon by 1990

most people will be living in

conservatories rather than houses.

Oh! Sounds lovely.

Carpets are selling well, then, Huw?

Yes, like hot cakes.

Did you hear the ad on the radio?

If you want a carpet,

buy one from us.

Oh, good, that is.

Why haven't you got an ad

on the radio, Geraint?

Traffic wardens don't normally

advertise on the radio, Brenda.

Yes, we're sitting pretty financially.

Despite his mother's best efforts.

She spends like water, doesn't she, kiddo?

I said she pours it all down the drain,

doesn't she?

I said your mother's

a waste of space, isn't she?

Geraint, why don't you go down

the phone box and call Gorwel?

He's nearly half an hour late.

What, you haven't got a telephone

fitted yet?

No. No need.

Perfectly good public telephone.

It's only minutes away.


Dad always enjoyed a good walk,

even in the coldest weather.

Most mornings we walked

two miles to school.

It was only a mile away,

but he went the long way round on purpose.

Even putting the number in

teak quite a while.

To dial an international number,

you'd have to put most of the day aside.

Hello, is Gorwel there?


All that walking and he wasn't there!

Well, never mind.

Had a nice chat with his flatmate.

Why can't people have their own phones?


Why can't people just

have a tiny little phone?

That you could fit it in your pocket

and take it everywhere you go?

Ah, kids!

You really should make him

put a phone in, Bren.

Oh, you know Geraint.

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Mark Watson

Mark Andrew Watson (born 13 February 1980) is a British comedian and novelist. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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