A Beginner's Guide to Endings Page #2

---

throwin' punches like that!

Snap the wrist.

# I'm a crawler baby

# Well I crawl right after you

# I'm the crawler baby

# I crawl right after you

- Breaks my heart

we had to trot out Ol' Rusty.

Come Christmas dinner, there's Rusty.

Everybody's birthday party,

you know Rusty's gonna be invited.

But... Ol' Rusty at your father's funeral?

This family's got a certain reputation,

and tonight

you boys pretty much cemented it.

Think we can get through

the reading of the will

without having to call a paramedic?

- I can.

- Shut up.

- You know what?

I gotta take a piss.

I'll be right back.

- Alright, where's the, uh...

waitress in this place?

Thank you!

Um, but I'd rather you sprayed mace

into my mouth. But...

I will let you try this very nice

single-malt scotch I discovered.

- You discovered it?

- Yeah.

- Yeah? You f***ing Magellan?

Circumnavigating the globe

in search of flavour?

Don't put on airs with me, okay?

I've seen you drink lighter fluid.

- I remember that.

It made you weird.

- I dunno what you're talking about.

It's good, isn't it?

- It's... pretty good.

- Bottoms up.

- Jacob, what happens when we die?

- Uh, wow. Ahem.

I don't know, Todd.

What I do know is that good guys

like you go to heaven.

- Dad was a pretty good guy, huh?

He was a good... yes, he was a...

He was a good...

- Uh... you know what, buddy?

Don't worry about it.

He's probably not even dead.

He's only been gone for two weeks.

- Really?

- Yeah, really.

- Don't do that.

- Don't do what?

- Don't give him false hope.

Just bear the kid's feelings--

- You want me to think about the kid...

This coming from...

I remember when the two of you

put Xs and Os all over his face

with permanent marker.

He went to school

and they called him Tic Tac Todd!

- That was a decade ago!

How do you even remember that?

Are you used to holding on to small things?

- That's hilarious.

- See what I did right there?

When I said "small things,"

I meant something different?

- 'Kay, guys, got some drinks here.

- I meant your penis.

- Beer.

- Thank you.

- OJ... and a Mint Julep.

- Uh, you know what, doll?

Actually, this is not a Mint Julep.

- This ain't the Glass Slipper, princess.

It's a beer

with a shot of Peppermint Listerine.

'Bout as close as you're gonna get.

- Mm. Think she's bad news, Cal.

- No. Her?

- Tattooed on her back.

- Oh, yeah, it is. Huh.

- Alright, before we read the will,

should we have a little toast?

- Yeah.

- To Duke.

May you be 40 years in heaven

before the Devil knows you're dead.

- I can't drink this.

- Last Will and Testament...

of Edward White.

- My boys...

...I'm leaving you

with a heart full of regret.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes