A Beginner's Guide to Endings Page #3

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I should've been a better father

and been there for you instead of myself.

I should've settled down

and been a better husband.

Your mother was a good woman.

Juicy's, too.

Even Soo Ling wasn't that bad.

And, most of all, I should've led a life

that didn't end with a list of regrets.

The fact is, the only thing

I don't regret is you boys,

and I'm proud of you all.

So let's get down to who gets what.

- "To Nuts,

I leave my bar of silver."

- Remember to keep your chin up.

There's always a silver lining, boy-o.

To Cal,

I leave the White family wedding ring.

Marry a good one, son.

And be sure she's a good one.

- "Can't run around

like a bull in a vagina shop forever."

- To Jacob, I leave the Elvis suit

from the '72 Burnin' Love tour,

worn in Phoenix and Albuquerque. "

- Wait... wait a sec.

Who wore it in Phoenix and Albuquerque?

- It... does not really say.

- To Juicy and Todd...

...I leave 380 in cash.

Truth is, I'm not sure what you're into,

so just buy whatever it is you're in to.

And it better not be drugs.

And as for the house,

I'm leaving it all to you boys to live in.

Just so long

as you don't kill each other first.

- "And that's who gets what.

Now for the hard part."

- I've done a terrible thing.

Nuts, Cal, Jacob,

you may recall that drug-testing thing

I signed you up for back in '99.

Are you male? 18 to 31?

Non-smoker?

If so, Bovastrada Pharmaceuticals

has an opportunity for you.

Now this ain't an excuse,

but I was concussed at the time.

A man doesn't think clearest

after a concussion.

And just ask Rudy Arbour

what you can do with $2,000!.

- I got a Ski-Doo with my money.

And I only had to take

two pills a week for a month.

- "It paid you two grand each--"

- Wait a minute.

We never got two grand.

That's not right. We got one grand.

- Yeah...

Duke... took 50.

Finder's fee.

They paid you two grand each,

but it turns out there's a lot more money

involved than that.

This morning, a lawyer shows up

asking me to pass on documents to you boys.

Some kind of legal settlement

that I would've known about earlier,

but you know how I feel about letter mail.

So I forged a few signatures

to speed up the process.

Long story short: $100,000 per head.

I wanted to find the right way

to break it to you, is all.

And there's no easy way

to say this next part.

But I saw all those zeroes.

Holy sh*t.

They're off!.

I could tell you

it was a sure thing.

I could say I was doing it

to make you all a pile more dough.

Plus a finder's fee for myself.

But that doesn't make it right.

And the strategic long shots I backed

to recoup my initial losses,

well, weren't so strategic.

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