A Bag of Hammers Page #2

anything wrong.

License and

registration, please.

License and registration.

Yes, uh...

Sorry.

I'm a little deaf in this ear.

Here you go.

You know at what speed

you were driving, just there?

Forty-ish

- in a twenty-five.

- Twenty-five?

School zone.

So which one of you two

is Amanda Beekler?

Amanda is my girlfriend.

Yeah, here actually...

- Here's a picture of us, right here.

- Oh yeah.

That's us.

We were at Guido's.

- It was our six-month anniversary.

- Cute.

Then we went home

and had the weirdest sex.

Alright, son.

No, apparently if you're

double-jointed here then-

Enough. I'm going to let

you two off with a warning.

- Thank you.

- You two have a pleasant afternoon.

You as well.

What are you two?

Waiters?

- Well-

- Hey, hold on, hold on.

Let's just leave the car.

With who, the florist?

Well, there's no need

to interrupt them in their...

...time of need,

so let's just drop the keys

off and get out of here.

What do you say?

You want to ding-dong-ditch

a Mercedes

that you stole from

your ex-girlfriend

on the day her father

was buried?

Yeah. I do.

That's what I want to do.

So I'm gonna do that.

Um... Amanda...

Hi.

Wow...

Hi.

Hey, Amanda.

Alan.

Um... Listen, we just wanted

to tell you that we...

...are very sorry to hear about

your father's, uh...

That's all?

Yeah.

Yeah, well...

Yeah...

This is so like you.

What... you don't know

what I'm... what is so like me?

You're a liar.

And a coward, Ben.

And maybe one day

you'll realize that

it's not some great

embarrassment to have feelings.

Or care about someone.

You know?

Probably you won't

figure it out

until you're an old,

pathetic man

who lives in a

flophouse downtown

trying to steal enough food

from the garbage can

to keep your incontinent body

from shutting down

from pity and boredom

- Geez...

- I'm not finished, Alan.

- Alright.

- I was ready to share forever with you.

But did you care? No!

You'd rather share it with him

and steal, steal,

steal, Alan, Alan,

I mean, was I just

some hole for you?

What does he have

that I don't have?

Well, an indoor voice.

- Do you know why we broke up?

- I have some hypotheses.

A thousand reasons, but mainly

because I could not pierce

your emotional exoskeleton,

no matter how hard I tried.

What is so funny?

You did just say

emotional exoskeleton?

- Yeah. And?

- Yeah, okay. Definitely.

- That was what was funny.

- F*** you!

I told you I loved you

and... I was wrong.

Okay. Because a love

could never ever feel...

So strong.

Stop.

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