50 Ways to Leave Your Lover Page #3

I'm gonna blow a big, fat doob.

-Such a disgrace.

-Mm-hmm.

Owen! Stop! Stop! Owen!

Listen to me, will you?

Listen to me.

If you don't turn back now...

you will drive yourself

over the edge!

Jack, relax. The world is round.

Next, he had to set things

straight at work.

I've made some revisions...

because I feel like

we need to offer...

a more complete account

of events.

The most important thing

is we write a book...

we can both be proud of.

Well, Shakespeare,

there's two things...

I want this book to make us--

proud and money. Shoot.

"The competition

for the Apollo mission...

sizzled hotter than

a Houston parking lot in July."

That's good. I like that.

"l knew the final selection

would come down to politics...

"so I volunteered to pilot

Senator Baldridge's plane.

"That weekend I was ordered...

"to fly some hookers

to Camp David.

"The Soviets were in town...

"and Nixon wanted to make

a good impression.

"The rest is history.

To this day...

"l think if Brezhnev

had not been sated...

"by a little Korean stripper

named Susu...

"l might never have become...

the national hero

that I am today."

Just who in the f***

do you think you are?

Oh, yeah? I was gonna ask you

the same question...

because you're definitely

not the guy in the book!

And then came

the hardest part...

the final farewell

to his friends.

What does that mean,

breaking up with your life?

Is that one of the twelve steps?

No, I finally got honest

with myself...

and everyone else in my life.

Cool. Well, good luck, man.

Yeah.

Hey, before I go,

there's something...

I always wanted to tell you.

You remember that guy

on your wedding tape...

who was humping

one of the caterers...

in the video greeting arbor...

and all you could see

was his hairy white ass?

Oh, my God!

You found out who that was?

Yeah! That was me.

-Ahem.

-Ha ha!

Remember when Allison

was into girls...

and you asked me to find out

if she wanted to sleep with you?

Yeah. As I recall, she said

I was a moped with a vagina.

Actually, she didn't say that.

I did.

Heh. That was you?

Yep. Allison actually thinks

you're hot.

So I could have been

f***ing Allison all this time?

Oh, my God!

Well, if my show's the welfare

cheese of the American mind...

then what the hell's

the crap you write, huh?

You talentless fuckhead!

At least my cheese

doesn't stink.

Well, thanks, Blaine.

I'm glad we could catch up.

Good luck to you, buddy.

What the hell was that about?

I don't know.

I've started speaking

from my heart, you know?

And in about an hour, I'll have

absolutely no friends left...

so there'll be less reason

to come back.

Hey, man, I'm still your friend.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes