44 Inch Chest

- And meet Switzerland's

very own real, live rock star.

- Mmm.

What is this, Archie?

- That?

Mulligatawny, king of soups.

- Mmm. Nice.

- Put hairs on your chest,

that will.

- Panorama's on soon

after the news.

David Dimble-bimble-by,

your favorite.

Oh, there's my mobilius.

Excuse I.

Hello?

Y- y-yeah.

Col?

- Just come...

- Colin, what's happened?

- Hello.

Hello, Arch.

Yeah.

- Col?

Col?

Come on, mate.

You can't lie here forever.

-

No, I can't forget

this evening

Or your face

as you were leaving

But I guess

that's just the way

The story goes

- Come on, mate, cheer up.

It might never happen.

- Hurry up.

Get in here, Pop.

- Tosser.

- Oi! Oi!

Sit down!

Concentrate on your snails.

- Get in, you c*nt!

- Cuckoldry.

Cuckoldry, terrible word.

Terrible thing.

Is he up to it, d'you think?

- Oh, he'll do it.

He'll do it.

He'll kill him.

He's got to, ain't he?

He just needs

a bit more time.

That's all, you know.

Get over the shock.

He'll do it.

No question.

- Well, give him my regards.

Send my condolences.

- Yeah, I will.

I will, Bigg.

I'll pass 'em on.

- Meredith, eh?

Meredith.

- And Mal and Peanut

and me.

- Meredith.

- How'show's Rosemary, then?

- I don't know.

Ask her.

- Hello, Rosemary.

How's you, then?

- I'm all right, I suppose.

Thanks for asking.

Is he looking after you?

Keeping you in sausages,

innit?

- Who? This c*nt?

You're joking, ain't ya?

He opens another tin of chum,

I'm gonna bite his bollocks off.

Charming.

- Well, I'llI'll catch you

later, then, Biggu.

Bye, Rose.

- Toodle pip.

- Fair do's,

the guy's hurting,

but f*** me.

- I know. I know.

It's mental.

- Sh*t happens.

Deal with it.

- How's your hand?

- Throbbing like f***.

He was on the phone to me

last night,

hour and a half,

woke me up.

- Yeah.

- Oh, "c*nt" this, "c*nt" that.

Reckoned he couldn't sleep.

Pissed out of his brains.

Talking a load of cobblers.

He doesn't know where he is.

- I been there.

- No, not like this, mate,

not like him,

not like Colin,

not like Colin Diamond.

Ah, believe me,

you should have heard him.

F***ing hell.

On and on,

telling me his f***ing dreams.

Get this, he's in a phone box,

only it isn't a phone box.

It's her c*nt.

- It's her what?

- That's right, her c*nt,

with teeth.

Oh, no-no-no-no, pardon me.

Let's get this right.

Not teeth; dentures.

- Dentures.

- That's right.

Her c*nt's got dentures.

- Jesus Christ.

- And they're snapping,

clacking at himon him.

Nibbling his arse.

Biting his balls.

I mean, I'm trying

not to laugh.

I'm knackered.

Half past 3:
00 in the morning,

hearing all this sh*t.

- F***ing hell.

- Ah, that's right,

and it goes on.

It goesa door opens.

In walks a cock.

That's right.

You heard.

Yeah, that's right, a cock.

In walks a cock.

And it's massive.

It's not his.

Guess whose.

That's right.

Oh, f***'s sake.

Oh, then, yeah

then he's on a plane.

All right, he's having

his dinner, club class,

and he's dressed as a clown.

Oh, ueah, big red nose

like Ronald f***ing McDonald.

And then

And the waitress

comes up the aisle

and starts whacking him

in the back of the head.

Oh, you make sense of it, mate.

I mean, it's f***ing tragic.

- He needs pulling back.

He's on a slippery slope.

Better watch him.

Dressed as a clown?

- Yeah, f***ing Coco, mate.

- Hello.

- Old man Peanut's vodka,

innit?

- Ah, yeah.

- Taken a sizeable lump

out of that lot.

- You can look at me,

uou know.

I'm not invisible.

- Who said that?

You all right, son?

- I'm bearing up.

Archie, I'm bearing up.

- Yeah, well,

it's never easy, mate.

Never easy.

- Give us a f***ing drink.

- Oh, yeah,

here you are, mate.

Brandy, doctor's orders.

What you staring at?

- You're amongst friends here.

Don't make this more difficult

than it already is.

Hear me, Colin?

Look at me.

- Go on, mate, be brave.

- Yeah.

Well, I got to, ain't I?

- That's the stuff.

- Yeah, that's the spirit.

- Can't believe it.

I still can't believe it.

I just can't f***ing believe it.

- Yeah, well,

it's unbelievable.

Like a bad dream, innit?

Can't believe it.

- Where's old man f***ing

Peanut?

- I'm f***ing here.

That's where he is, c*nt.

- Sorry, Pop.

We wondered where you was.

- Don't "Pop" me.

I'm f***ing here.

Well, give us a f***ing drink.

- D'you want me to pour it

for uou?

- Give it here!

Tosser.

How is he, all right?

- Yeah, he's all right,

ain't ya, Colin?

Yeah.

- You get it together,

uou c*nt.

You hear me?

Hey?

Get it to-f***ing-gether.

We can't have this.

You was a f***ing disgrace

last night.

Inept.

Tonight,

the kid gloves are off.

Show some f***ing backbone.

You're a man.

F***ing act like one!

- He'll get there.

He'll get there.

- And the bloodied slave

rose to his feet,

thrust his hand

into his defiant chest,

tore out his own heart,

threw it at the aggressor,

saying, "Free from bondage. "

Free from f***ing bondage,

you c*nt!

- Yeah, you're right, Pop.

- F***ing right,

I'm right.

F***ing right,

I'm f***ing right.

It's the strong

who shall inherit the earth,

not the f***ing weak.

- Yeah, you tell him.

- Not the f***ing weak!

- Yeah, well, whatever.

This thing's

got to be finished tonight

'cause I'm busy tomorrow.

- You break every other

f***ing engagement,

every other f***ing engagement.

This takes top priority

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