3 Nights in the Desert Page #2

Oh, that is some regal sh*t.

Cheers.

I'm here.

All right, check this out.

What is it?

No way.

Oh, man.

Looks like you're about to tell

him a secret to the universe.

I'm still waiting for that one.

Yeah.

That's later.

So I'm 5, maybe 6, and I go

into the school bathroom.

And I see a perfect

pile of clothing.

There's Velcro

shoes at the bottom

with these socks

tucked neatly inside.

There were sweat pants folded

on top, military style.

And on top of it all?

A t-shirt.

And then I realized, this kid

takes shits completely naked.

So I got... I figured I got

to get to know this kid.

This kid... this is

an interesting kid.

A couple days later, I see

him out in the playground

and he's being chased

by the a**hole kid.

What'd call himself?

Skeletor?

Harassing him with

this plastic crossbow.

And I wait for the right

time, and they come around.

I go whack!

Whoa.

Knock him on his ass.

I stand over him, I point

to Barry, and I say,

that's my best friend.

OK?

I didn't even know your name.

Wait just one second.

This is great.

We go on this school

trip to DC, right?

And everybody knows Bareman.

He's like the horniest

guy in school, right?

So he whacks it 4 times, 5 times

a day, something like that?

And we're all staying together.

And so, you know,

he's got to hold off.

And he's just getting angrier

and angrier the whole trip.

I was like, Barry, what are

you so... why are you so upset?

He's like, oh man,

I'm just so horny.

When I get home, I could

whack it to anything.

And I'm like, anything?

You could whack to

anything, Bareman?

Like anything?

Yeah, I could whack it anything.

I... I could what it to

a... and I don't even

know where he got this... I could

whack it to a golden f***ing

Gold... a golden cube.

A golden cube.

A what?

Can I please take

over the story here?

A golden cube because it's

floating in space and it's

It's devoid of any sexuality.

It's a competitive challenge.

Yeah.

He didn't make that clear.

Wow.

So I get home, I lay

on my bed, and I focus.

And I'm picturing this gold

cube floating in space.

And then I think

of Stacy Carter.

Or some other hot chick.

And I stop.

I become fully flaccid.

Start from scratch,

and I do it again.

And I did it.

You did.

We don't know if you did it.

Nobody knows if you did it.

How do you prove that?

How do you prove that...

I guess you just

have to trust my word.

Hey, here's to being

pathologically honest.

Pathologically honest Barry.

Shh, you be quiet.

Shut up.

Get in my mouth.

Uh, happy birthday to us, right?

To you.

Me.

Ha... happy birthday.

That's my terrible

birthday song.

Yeah, you killed it.

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