'Twas the Night

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1

Boy:
'TWAS THE NIGH BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE,

NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING,

NOT EVEN A MOUSE.

[CHILD SCREAMS]

THE STOCKINGS WERE HUNG

BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE...

IN HOPES THAT SAINT NICHOLAS

SOON WOULD BE THERE.

AND HE WAS. RIGHT THERE.

IN MY HOUSE.

THE REAL SANTA. ALIVE.

THAT'S RIGHT, THE BEARDED ONE

REALLY EXISTS.

BUT I'M GETTING A LITTLE

AHEAD OF MY STORY HERE.

LET'S GO BACK

A LITTLE EARLIER.

'TWAS THE DAY

BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

AND ALL THROUGH THE PAD,

EVERYONE WAS AT HOME,

EVEN WORKAHOLIC OL' DAD.

AND MOM IN THE KITCHEN

COOKING STILL LIKE A ROOKIE,

SCORCHING THE BACKS

OF THE GINGERBREAD COOKIES.

AND THEN, THERE'S MY SISTER,

A PARENTS' DELIGHT.

ANNOYING, BAD-TEMPERED,

AND OBNOXIOUSLY BRIGHT.

AND PRECIOUS LITTLE PETER,

THE FAMILY LOVES HIM

THE MOST.

IF HE COMES INTO MY ROOM

ONE MORE TIME,

HE'LL BE TOAST.

THEN THERE IS ME,

HANDSOME AND TRUE.

THE BEST AT EVERYTHING

THAT ANYONE CAN DO.

INTELLIGENT, WITTY,

THERE IS NO DOUBT.

KIND, COMPASSIONATE.

PETER, GET OUT.

BUT, DANNY--

WHAT'S THE RULE

ABOUT COMING IN MY ROOM?

NEVER COME:

IN YOUR ROOM.

BUT DAD:

WANTS TO KNOW:

WHEN YOU WAN TO DECORATE

THE TREE.

I WANT TO:

DECORATE THE TREE

ON CHRISTMAS EVE,

LIKE:

EVERY OTHER YEAR

WE'VE EVER DECORATED

CHRISTMAS TREES:

IN THIS FAMILY.

BUT IT IS:

CHRISTMAS EVE.

IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS EVE,

DOOFUS.

THAT'S TOMORROW.

NOW CLOSE THE DOOR.

OK, WHATEVER

YOU SAY.

CHRISTMAS EVE.

[EXPLOSION]

CHRISTMAS EVE?

OOPS.

Danny:
THERE'S A PROBLEM

WITH CHRISTMAS,

WHEN YOUR WALLET IS LIGHT.

YOU CAN'T STAND YOUR FATHER,

AND YOUR SISTER IS JUST...

A LITTLE TOO BRIGHT.

YOU MUST TURN TO THE ONE

WHO GETS YOU OUT OF YOUR FUNK,

JUST SELL YOUR LITTLE BROTHER

A WHOLE BUNCH OF...JUNK.

HEY, SWEETIE.

WHAT'S ALL THAT STUFF?

I'VE BEEN

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.

SHOPPING? WHERE?

DANNY'S ROOM.

DANIEL FRANCIS WRIGLEY,

GET OUT HERE NOW!

UH-OH.

[TICKING]

WHAT ABOUT MY:

NO-RETURNS POLICY?

DANNY,

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED

TO SHAKE DOWN:

YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.

HE WASN'T SHAKING ME.

HE WAS BEING NICE.

PETE, HE WAS TAKING

ADVANTAGE OF YOU,

AND HE OUGHT TO BE

ASHAMED OF HIMSELF.

DON'T HOLD

YOUR BREATH.

STICK A SOCK:

IN IT, KATY.

DANNY.

WHAT?

OK. PLEASE

STICK A SOCK IN IT.

BUT, MOM, I WAN ALL THAT STUFF.

SEE?

WHO'S THE VICTIM

HERE?

HE'S NO COMPLAINING.

COME ON.

IT'S JUST LIKE

UNCLE NICK SAYS.

I'M JUST HELPING HIM

SHARE THE WEALTH.

UNCLE NICK, HUH?

IT'S TOO BAD IT'S ALWAYS

SOMEONE ELSE'S WEALTH

THAT UNCLE NICK:

IS SO EAGER TO SHARE.

NO. UNCLE NICK

IS THE BOMB.

HE IS, OK?

YOU JUST DON' UNDERSTAND HIM.

Mom:
DANNY, NICK'S GO A LOT OF GOOD QUALITIES,

YES, BUT HE'S NOT EXACTLY

A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR YOU.

ALL RIGHT?

Dad:

HE'S A CON ARTIST.

Danny:
HE'S

AN ENTREPRENEUR.

RIGHT. OK.

HE'S A CON ARTIS WITH A LAPTOP.

IT'S NOT A MATTER

OF THE PRESENTS.

IT'S A MATTER OF

TAKING ADVANTAGE OF

YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.

HE LOOKS UP TO YOU

THE SAME WAY YOU

LOOK UP TO NICK.

Peter:
AAH!

[CRASH]

OH, PETER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU SAID:

IT WAS FAMILY MONEY.

HO HO, OH, BUDDY.

DANNY'S OUR FAMILY,

AND HE NEEDS IT.

I WAS JUS SHARING THE WEALTH.

OK, THAT'S WEIRD.

I CAN SEE:

HIS LIPS MOVING,

BUT I CAN HEAR:

DANNY TALKING.

IT'S OK, DANNY.

YOU CAN SHAKE ME DOWN

IF YOU WANT TO.

I LIKE IT.

DO ME A FAVOR, PETE.

JUST DON'T,

LIKE, UH,

SAY THAT IN:

FRONT OF ANYONE...

EVER AGAIN.

OK?

UNCLE NICK IS BY FAR

THE COOLEST PERSON

IN THIS FAMILY.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW

HOW HE AND DAD:

COULD BE:

FROM THE SAME PARENTS.

YOU'RE THE COOLEST,

DANNY.

I APPRECIATE THAT,

LITTLE DUDE,

BUT, UM...

I GOT A LONG WAY TO GO

TO MEASURE UP:

TO UNCLE NICK.

I BET HE'S SOMEPLACE

RIGHT THIS MINUTE

MAKING A MAJOR:

BIG-BUCKS BUSINESS DEAL.

HE PROBABLY HAS 'EM

BEGGING FOR MERCY.

I'M BEGGING YOU,

PLEASE DON'T HURT ME.

Man:
ALL RIGHT, NICK.

WHERE'S YOUR OFFICE?

BUT THIS IS MY OFFICE.

Second man:
WELL, THEN,

WHERE ARE ALL:

YOUR HIGHLY-SKILLED

EMPLOYEES, NICK?

OUT TO LUNCH?

[MAN GRUMBLES]

OK, IT'S JUST ME--

ME AND MY COMPUTER.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS

GONNA DO WITH ME?

WHO ARE YOU GUYS?

WE GUYS ARE THE GUYS

THAT GOT SWINDLED BY

YOUR PHONY WEBSITE,

NICK.

YEAH. I GUESS THE NAME

SHOULD'VE TIPPED US OFF--

REALFASTDOUGH.COM.

YOU TWO KNUCKLEHEADS?

OHH! OH, COME ON, BILL.

LET ME SLAP HIM.

LET ME GIVE HIM SOME

OF THAT MAMA'S KITCHEN

DISCIPLINE.

NO, HARRY.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

SLAPPING HIM:

WILL NOT GET BACK

THE $30,000

HE BILKED US OUT OF

WITH HIS BOGUS LITTLE

BUSINESS OFFERING.

HOW DID I GET TIED UP?

Both:
WE ASK

THE QUESTIONS HERE.

WHERE'S OUR MONEY?

FINE. I'LL TELL YOU.

FIRST I PUT YOUR MONEY

INTO A SAFE LONG-TERM CD,

THEN I SHIFTED THE CAPITAL

INTO A REAL UP-AND-COMING IPO--

MADE A KILLING--

FLIPPED IT THE SAME DAY

INTO SOME MUTUAL FUNDS,

BLUE CHIP STOCKS--

NICK, PLEASE!

WHERE IS IT?

WELL, THERE IS

A MEASURE OF RISK

IN EVERY INVESTMENT.

IT'S GONE.

I JU--

[GROANS]

SO, NICK...

YOU DID IT ALL HERE

ON YOUR NIFTY LITTLE

LAPTOP, HUH?

OH, THAT'S NICE,

VERY, VERY NICE.

PLEASE BE CAREFUL

OF LAPPY.

IT'S VERY SENSITIVE.

SENSITIVE?

NICK'S GO A SENSITIVE COMPUTER.

HO HA HA HA!

YOU EVER SEE WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU POUR:

A HOT CUP OF COCOA

OVER A SENSITIVE

COMPUTER, NICK?

IT AIN'T PRETTY.

NO, DON'T, NOT TO LAPPY!

MY WHOLE LIFE:

IS ON THAT THING!

ALL MY ACCOUNT NUMBERS

AND CONTACTS, BUSINESSES.

ALL YOUR SCAMS,

YOU MEAN, NICK.

WHAT SCAMS?

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