White Van Man script
White Van Man  Season #2 Episode #12 (2011)
Synopsis: White Van Man is a British sitcom that was created and was written by Adrian Poynton and first broadcast on BBC Three and BBC HD in 2011. It began screening in March 2011, becoming the highest-rated launch ever for a sitcom on BBC Three.

FADE IN:

201 EXT. HOUSE (ANDRZEJ’S JOB) - DAY 3 - 17:30 201

A WHITE VAN, sparkling new - like shots from a TVcommercial. It’s the one OLLIE’S been dreaming of owning

for weeks. Is it his? Has he managed to get the money tobuy it?

Pull out to reveal bright letters on the side. The logo for- ‘ANDRZEJ & CO.’ With a very clearly written phone number.

*

The door slides open to reveal - dressed in WHITE OVERALLS(with lots of pockets) and a slightly OTT MOBILE PHONEEARPIECE - ANDRZEJ (the Pole from ep 1.2) picks up a toolfrom inside. He turns to reveal OLLIE’S rubbish WHITE VAN,

sat outside the house next door. He mutters in POLISH,

SPITS ON THE FLOOR and makes his way back towards thehouse.

Next door OLLIE is hiding behind a bush. He clutches a cutoutmagazine photo of the same van.

OLLIE:

Unbelievable.

He makes his way into the house he and DARREN are working in.

CUT TO:

202 OMITTED 202

203 INT. HOUSE (OLLIE’S JOB 1)/ KITCHEN - DAY 3 - 17:32 203

OLLIE enters. A new SET OF TAPS, wrapped in PLASTIC wait,

ready for fitting.

OLLIE:

(Re:
Spit on floor)

You won’t believe what he’s done

now... I hate people who spit.

OLLIE pauses as he sees DARREN going through the cupboards.

OLLIE (CONT’D)

What are you doing?

DARREN:

Looking for something for dinner.

(Pulling out a tin)

Do I like Oxtail soup?

OLLIE:

How would I know?

DARREN:

You claim to know everything aboutfood...

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 2

OLLIE:

That doesn’t mean I - just put it

back.

DARREN:

Only if I find something better.

OLLIE, clearly frustrated with Darren, looks out the window

to next door and sees ANDRZEJ.

OLLIE:

Oh, there he is... rubbin’ it in our

faces.

OLLIE picks up his KEYS and a MOBILE phone from the side

where they’ve both left them.

OLLIE (CONT’D)

I don’t even know how he expects to

do that job with just one person.

And what are those overalls?!

DARREN:

They’re really practical. Loads of

pockets.

OLLIE looks at the window to see ANDRZEJ pulling them down

to his waist and wiping some SWEAT from his face.

OLLIE:

Look at him - loving it. He’s such a

tart.

(Beat)

And what’s with that ear piece?!

DARREN:

He gives them to all his staff.

OLLIE:

But that’s so naff.

(Doing Polish accent)

Here - have this - so we can be in

contact at all times.

DARREN:

Bit racist.

OLLIE:

What - that’s how he sounds!

Beat.

DARREN:

Are you still cooking for Emma

tonight?

OLLIE:

Yeah, yeah I am.

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 3

DARREN:

Well, you should get off then. I’ll

stay and carry on here.

OLLIE:

Alright Darren - you can have the

soup.

DARREN:

No. It’s not that - I just want to

get this finished.

(Beat - sigh)

If we get it done early, I’ll get a

bit longer with Chanel this weekend.

OLLIE:

(Melts a little - smiles)

You know what? You might turn out to

be an okay Dad after all. Want me to

stay?

DARREN:

No. It’s fine. You get off.

OLLIE:

(Smiles)

I’m actually impressed mate.

OLLIE leaves.

CUT TO:

204 INT. THE WHITE VAN - DAY 3 - 17:45 204

OLLIE driving along looking happy. The MOBILE rings.

OLLIE:

Hello.

(Beat)

Janice? Who’s Janice?

(Look of shock)

You want to do what to me?

(Realising)

I’ve got the wrong phone.

CUT TO:

205 INT. HOUSE (OLLIE’S JOB 1)/ KITCHEN - DAY 3 - 17:50 205

OLLIE walks in.

OLLIE (OOV)

(Shouting)

Darren! I picked up your phone by

mistake. Darren? Where are you?

(Joking)

Janice is waiting!

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 4

Nothing. He notices all DARREN’S stuff is gone.

OLLIE (CONT’D)

Darren?

OLLIE is about to start looking around for him when heglances out the window into the house next door, only to

see OLLIE

(CONT’D)

Oh my god...

- DARREN, sawing wood.

ANDRZEJ approaches DARREN with MUGS OF TEA. He gives one toDARREN and they make a little toast, unaware that OLLIE iswatching next door.

OLLIE (CONT’D)

He’s cheating on me...

(Shock and anger)

The dirty little bastard’s cheatingon me!

TITLES:

CUT TO:

CUT TO:

206 INT. HARDWARE STORE - EVENING 3 - 18:00 206

LIZ behind the counter getting ready to lock up.

LIZ:

(Calling off)

Uncle Phil - I’m done for the day.

Till’s balanced, orders are done - and

as requested, I’ve picked up the new

Cheryl Cole album for you, but put itin a Bob Marley box. Our little

secret.

*

*

*

OLLIE enters all wound up and starts pacing the shop. LIZstares at him for a moment.

*

LIZ (CONT’D)

Alright?

OLLIE:

Yeah. Fine. Why wouldn’t I be? I

need some silicone sealant for

tomorrow.

LIZ:

Okay.

(Beat)

Just - you seem a little

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Adrian Poynton

Adrian Poynton (born 29 January 1979) is a British screenwriter, playwright, stand up comedian and occasional actor. He is best known as the creator and writer of BBC Three sitcom White Van Man and its American remake Family Tools. more…

All Adrian Poynton scripts | Adrian Poynton Books

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"White Van Man" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2017. Web. 18 Nov. 2017. <http://www.scripts.com/script/white_van_man_1042>.

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