Waitress

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Waitress Script

Hon, you've put it off long enough.

What?

- You know what.

- You know what.

- Negative.

- Negative.

Come on, negative.

- Come on!

- Dear Lord, please protect ourJenna

from the hell of unwanted pregnancy.

I don't need no baby.

I don't want no trouble.

I just want to make pies.

That's all I want to do, make pies.

I thought you weren't sleeping

with your husband no more.

He got her drunk one night.

I should never drink.

I do stupid things

when I drink,

like sleep with my husband.

Oh, no!

Looks like a pink line

is forming. Sh*t.

One line or two lines?

One line or two lines?

Two lines! The control line

and the other line,

- the bad line, the "yes" line.

- Let me see that now.

Two lines, two definite lines.

There's no mistaking them.

What's going on in there?

We have customers!

Where are my waitresses?

Hold your balls straight, Cal.

Jenna ain't feeling well.

What's wrong with her?

It's none of your business,

you blowhard.

I'm fine, Cal!

We'll be right out.

Hurry up!

Hon, you okay?

Shh. I'm inventing a new pie

in my head.

Tomorrow's blue plate special.

I'm calling it

"I Don't WantEarl's Baby Pie. "

I don't think we can write that

on the menu board, hon.

Then I'll just call it

"Bad Baby Pie. "

What's in it, honey?

(singing in hum) "Baby don't you cry, gonna make a pie, gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle"

It's a quiche of egg and Brie cheese

with a smoked ham center.

Sounds good, baby.

I ain't never going to get

away from Earl now.

You going to tell him?

I'm not sure.

If my plan comes true and I

can make my big escape from him

in a couple months,

maybe he never even has to know.

Are you sure it's his child?

You know everything I do.

I ain't never cheated.

- Ah...

- I'd never do that.

- Eh...

- I feel sorry for you, Jenna.

I mean, I'd do anything

to meet a man, and Becky's

husband is a senile fruitcake.

- Dawn!

- Well, I'm sorry, it's true.

But now here you are,

married to this handsome guy.

Who's got very good hair.

Who's got very good hair.

And pregnant with

a little girl.

How do you know it's a girl?

- We don't know it's a girl.

- But neither of us

would trade places with you for

one second.

Now would we, Becky?

No, we wouldn't, Dawn.

No, we wouldn't.

Except, just once in my life,

I'd like to be able to make

a pie half as good

as Jenna can make a pie.

- Yeah, me, too.

Oh, come on.

So what if I can make a decent pie?

- Who cares?

- Look at this, Jenna.

As you can plainly see,

my right boob is much higher

than my left boob

and Dawn here has

pasty, pasty skin.

I'm stuck in a marriage

to Droolin' Phil the Invalid,

and Dawn eats TV dinners alone,

but still, we wouldn't

rather be you.

I do have pasty, pasty skin.

Yeah, I know, you're here.

See you tomorrow, honey.

Good luck.

- And if you do tell him you're...

- Shh!

Hey.

Hey.

Hiya there, Earl.

We all just agreed that your hair

is super attractive.

Hooray for you.

- Woo-hoo!

- Woo-hoo!

I don't care if she is a pie genius.

I wouldn't trade places with her.

No, me neither.

You don't look happy to see me.

Are you happy to see me?

Yeah, I'm happy to see you.

Even brought you a piece

of today's special,

"Kick In The Pants Pie. "

(singing in hum) Baby don't you cry, gonna make a pie, gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle

Cinnamon spice custard.

You don't give me a kiss.

Well, give me one.

There. That's more like it.

Where's that money

you made today?

Right here in my pocket.

Well, now, hand it over.

Not much here, is there?

Slow day, you know.

Yeah, you been having

more and more of those.

I'm really not sure it's worth

you working there anymore.

I think I might rather have you

be at home

making me pies all day long.

You didn't ask me

how my day was.

How was your day?

Ask me like you

care about it.

How was your day, Earl?

Well, you know,

Johnson's on my case again,

about the mortgages and everything.

But I don't make the bank policy,

and I told him that,

but he doesn't listen.

"I Hate My Husband Pie. "

(singing in hum) "Baby don't you cry, gonna make a pie, gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle" You take bittersweet chocolate and don't sweeten it. You make it into a pudding and drown it in caramel.

You're not listening to me.

Yeah, I am.

What I say?

You were bitching about Mr. Johnson.

What were the exact words I said?

Well, I mean, I can't repeat

them verbatim...

You don't listen to me!

Hurts my feelings.

Please just say you're sorry

so I can let you out this car

so you can make my dinner.

I'm sorry, Earl,

for not being able

to repeat your words verbatim,

something I should be able to do.

Whenever I need it.

Whenever you need it.

All right, then.

You look handsome tonight, Early.

Thank you, honey.

It's been a long time since

you called me Early.

I like it.

And you look pretty tonight.

Maybe a little tired is all.

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