The Adventures of Ford Fairlane
- R
- Year:
- 1990
- 104 min
- 965 Views
They call me Ford Fairlane,
rock 'n'roll detective.
I have the power
to get into the hottest clubs,...
and the hottest chicks.
I admit it all sounds pretty nifty in theory.
Then why am I here?
Why do I wish the music industry and the rest
of the globe would just suck my dick, Tracy?
I'll tell you why. It all startedfive nights ago.
I didn't know it yet, but I was about
to get a case of the Black Plague.
Not the disease that killed
a billion peasants in the 1300s.
Something much scarier.
("Rock 'n'Roll Junkie")
Hello, LA!
You see, this band, The Black Plague,
were considered the new kings of metal.
I thought they were just
some lucky a**holes from Reseda.
Anyway, tonight, this guy Bobby Black was
going to give the performance of his life.
I love you, Bobby!
I guess the poor superstar son of a b*tch
wasn't that lucky after all, hey?
In the meantime, I was miles away,...
..checking out a tip on the case
of the fanatic red-headedfan.
And making my entrance was unbelievable.
- (all gasp)
- Whoa! Was my fly undone?
I'm so terrifical I even had my own
toll-free number. 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE.
Ford. I gotta ask you to put that out, dude.
Nobody smokes any more.
Thanks, man.
- You son of a b*tch.
Call me.
What goes for my sister goes double for me.
Don'tyou remember? The Jacuzzi, Laurel
Canyon - Guns N' Roses video wrap party?
Oh, yeah. The twins.
Butyou're not... identical, huh?
Hey, look. Write down my number.
- 555-6321. Got it?
- Yeah. Yeah, thanks.
Wait a minute. 555's not a real number.
They only use that in the movies.
No sh*t, honey.
What do you thinkthis is? Real life?
- Hey, it's Ford Fairlane.
- Easy money.
(both) Mr Rock 'n' Roll Detective.
Couldn't find a handle on a coffee cup.
And what are your names?
Neil and Bob? Or is that, like, whatyou do?
- You guys driving tonight?
- Yeah.
Why don'tyou take Mulholland?
You'll love the curves. Now move.
Thank Godfor Don Cleveland.
He was the best producer in the biz,...
..the only guy in the industry
I could talk to withoutvomiting Day-Glo.
Ah. I hate that "Mr Rock 'n' Roll
Detective" bullshit, you know?
I'm a professional crime-fighter.
- I work for a living, you knowthat.
- (Don) What are you looking at?
Some redhead's bothering
that girl group, The Pussycats.
Been showing up at their concerts, saying he
wants to rape and kill 'em. Not in that order.
Hey, you're that guy. The private eye.
You're a poet and didn't know it. Oh!
- You heard that Bobby Black OD'd, right?
- Yeah. So?
So, do you suspect foul play and stuff?
I'll letyou know when somebody
pays me to give a sh*t and stuff.
My name is Melodi.
As in "A pretty girl is like a..."
Here's my phone number.
Whatever you're doing tomorrow...
Cancel. OK?
leave the house in a dress like that.
And I don't mean your legs.
Hey. You'd better have
Here comes Mr Rock 'n' Roll Detective.
- Hey, Ford.
- What's goin' on?
Harry. Shake me.
I hope you like it, Ford.
Precocious. Combustionable.
Harry... not thick enough.
Butyou're getting better.
- So how's Mutt and Mutt, huh?
- Hoo! Hoo!
- Who's your friend?
- Sh.
I'm just some guy named Sam, asswipe.
Sam. How cute.
Reminds me of that story,
Green Eggs and Ham.
"Will you eat them in a box?
Will you eat them with a fox?"
Know The Pussycats? Big Doctor Seuss fans.
- (nervous laugh)
- Especially the singer. What's her name?
- I'm drawin' a f***in' blank.
- (stammers) Josie.
Boy. Wonder if this could be our guy.
Deceitful b*tches.
Last dance,...
..Mr Rock 'n' Roll Detective.
You're ten seconds away from
the most embarrassing moment of your life.
Something from our wine list?
Come on, Ford. This sh*t's gettin' old, man.
- (screams)
- Excuse me a moment.
So many a**holes.
So few bullets.
Clint Eastwood?
I f***ed him. Oh!
(gentle snoring)
("Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix)
Purple Haze all in my brain
Lately things just don't seem the same
Actin'funny, but I don't know why
Do my dishes!
As if my alarm clock wasn't enough,...
..it was time for my late afternoon
wake-up callfrom Jazz.
- Jazz was my assistant.
- (music stops)
Oh, thank God.
- Hello?
- Ford. Do you know what time it is?
And the only woman I treat with sensitivity.
Wonk, wonk. You sound like
Charlie Brown's friggin' teacher.
Why am I late? I was up all night
eatin' Swedish meatballs. Oh!
- I was doin' my job.
- That's a first.
- All right. I'll be in later.
- OK. Don't hang up, because...
- Where are my shoes?
- Hey, girls, what do you need over there?
- Come on.
- Ford, we just needed to be held.
You got the bonus plan.
("Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix)
Hey. Wait. Stop.
I'm coming. Hey.
Ow! What's goin' on, kid?
Hey, Fairlane. You gonna find out who
killed the lead singer of The Black Plague?
Tell me, Dr Watson. What makes you so sure
he's just not another piece-of-sh*t overdose?
- Gut feeling.
- Gut feeling, huh?
See those chicks?
Girl Scouts. Tooktwo boxes.
Hey. Get that outta your mouth!
Don'tyou knowthose things are killers?
Don'tyou go to school, or listen to Smokey
the Bear and all that kind of sh*t, huh?
(gasping)
You sick son of a b*tch.
Have a Twinkie, snapper-head.
I can't breathe in here, Fairlane.
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"The Adventures of Ford Fairlane" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_adventures_of_ford_fairlane_19638>.
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