Someone Like You...

If someone

had asked me not long ago...

why I thought it was that men

left women and never came back,

I would have said this:

"New cow. "

The new cow theory

was born of a broken heart.

It came to me while reading

an article on male behavior...

in the New York Times

science section,

which chronicled a particularly

fascinating study...

on the mating preferences

of the male cow.

- First, a bull was presented with...

A cow.

They mated.

The next day, the bull was

presented with the same cow.

The bull wasn't interested.

He wanted new cow,

and this was old cow.

Curious to see if

they could trick the bull,

the scientists came up

with an ingenious ploy.

- Do not disappoint Daddy.

- The old cow was smeared with new cow scent...

- Doesn't that feel good?

- But he was no fool.

This wasn't new cow.

This was just old cow

incognito.

Old cow in sheep's clothing.

- Mutton dressed as lamb.

But I'm getting

ahead of myself.

To really understand the theory and

how it took over my entire existence,

you need to hear

the whole story.

When Ray came into my life,

I was booking talent

for the Diane Roberts Show,

a local New York talk show that

had just been syndicated nationally.

The network had given us

a small window of opportunity...

in which to make something

of ourselves.

We're back with

Mary Lou Corkle,

outspoken

conservative activist,

who's here to talk about

her new book The Nest Crisis.

One of your central arguments,

Mary Lou,

is to blame society's problems

on working mothers.

Diane was determined to

strike pay dirt with her audience...

by appealing to both their

understimulated intelligence...

and their overstimulated appetite

for tabloid television.

Ambition has blinded

these women...

- to their responsibilities to their families.

- And so, by your standards,

doing what I do makes me

unfit for motherhood.

Well, we make

our own beds, don't we?

That is true.

Just out of curiosity, Mary Lou,

who's been

making your kids' beds...

while you've been out selling

your book these past three months?

My job was to supply

a steady diet of raw meat...

to satisfy Diane's

Emmy-clad ambitions.

Hi, Donald. Did you hear?

We've gone national.

Thanks.

Well, it's a new format.

We're just starting up

major exposure,

and I think it's

right up Hillary's alley.

Oh, she'd be among the first. I'm lining up

great company. Trust me, everyone wants on.

My only colleague in this quest...

was our writer, producer and

pathological womanizer Eddie Alden.

How are we doin'?

Publisher's having a coronary.

- That good, huh?

- You book 'em, I cook 'em.

Right on. Yeah.

Thank you very much. We are

here talking to Mary Lou Corkle.

Any progress with Cuba?

Well, just keep trying.

I swear to God.

This Castro thing is gonna kill me.

I mean, it is insane.

- She will not let it go.

- Forget Castro. Come on.

- I mean, what you want is a more creative angle.

- Such as?

- Elena Villagolla.

- Who?

One of the women the C.I.A. Hired to

try and kill him back in the sixties.

Excuse me. I believe this is

a smoke-free building.

Blow me. Apparently, the C.I.A. Cooked up

this death oil that could pass as perfume.

The idea was she'd rub it on, Castro

would be kissin' her and lickin' her...

- Don't editorialize.

- Sorry. He was supposed to croak right after.

Eddie could find the sex

factor in just about any subject.

He, of course,

considered this a gift.

- Nina, you left these earrings in my bathroom.

- You don't waste any time.

- Cynic.

- Slut.

But if Eddie was enough

to make me lose hope in all men,

it only took one

to bring it back again.

- Hey, Rick.

- How you doin', Eddie?

You are the only one I

haven't met yet. I'm Ray Brown.

- This is our new executive

producer. - Oh, from Washington.

I saw that piece you produced

for Newsline. That was brilliant.

Wow.

Thank you very much.

We just did a follow-up piece. That's

why I'm a little late getting up here.

- Oh.

- Well, I better scoot.

Jane, you want me to get 'em to turn the

A.C. Up? You're looking a little flushed.

Okay.

- Jane Goodale.

- I know. That's an interesting name.

- People must confuse you with the scientist.

- Yeah.

- They're always asking me if I'm into chimps.

- Are you?

Not really. I mean, maybe

Curious George when I was five.

Ah. Curious George

was a monkey, not a chimp.

- A man who knows his primates.

- Yes, I do.

See you around. Oh, I heard Len Chaney's

people are giving you a hard time.

Yeah, they're afraid it's gonna turn

into an abortion debate and get ugly.

Which is, uh, right.

- Of course. - So

guarantee Diane won't bring it up,

and we'll plant somebody in the

audience to initiate it during Q&A.

I think you came to the

right show, Ray Brown.

So he'scute.

- Very.

Mm-hmm.

Care to elaborate?

Pale blue eyes, athletic, sort

of, um, J. Crew, but not as preppy.

- Oh, that guy again.

- Are you going to buy anything or not?

- Sh-Shush! I'm

concentrating! - Okay.

- Marital status?

- Girlfriend.

Why are we having

this conversation?

You know what? You're

right. He's too much work.

And even if I were up to it,

with my luck,

he'd probably end up

marrying her anyway.

Wow. There's the cynical b*tch

I know and love.

So that's it. Case closed.

Leaving this one alone.

You feeling carnivorous?

Absolutely.

So what else do I need

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes