Small Soldiers

GloboTech Industries, long recognized

as the worldwide leader...

...in high-tech weaponry,

is now reaching even higher.

Under the leadership of CEO, Gil Mars...

...GloboTech engineers are blazing the trail

into tomorrow's most exciting sector.

Introducing advanced

battlefield technology...

...into consumer products

for the whole family.

For the first time, you and yours will enjoy

the same high quality standards...

...as demanded by the Defense Department,

at private sector prices.

GloboTech, turning swords into plowshares

for you and your family.

He's here. He's early.

He's not supposed to be here yet.

He said...

Slamfist optimal. Good. Check.

Chickens.

Let me help you with these.

Pretty exciting, huh?

I don't know. I think it's kind of sad.

Heartland Toys has a long tradition

of bringing joy to kids.

Gil Mars won't care about that.

He's just going to care about profits.

I think it sucks.

Welcome to Earth. You may not be

familiar with our customs...

...but things work like this down here,

in the real world.

Well, the real world sucks.

It does have its perks.

Gentlemen, I'm Ms. Kegel,

executive assistant to Mr. Mars.

Let me be the first to welcome you

to the GloboTech family.

Just as he's done with his computer,

telecommunications and food divisions...

...Mr. Mars intends to bring his own

personal touch to Heartland Play Systems.

Well, that's good.

All right.

These are...

Where's everybody else?

There is no longer any "everybody else".

Mr. Mars, it's an honor...

Cut the kiss-ass.

After I leave, I won't remember your name.

This is Irwin Wayfair.

I'm told you two are responsible for this.

Yes, sir. That's Flatchoo,

he's part of the Belch Brigade.

Actually, the whole line was Irwin's idea.

Once I did the marketing, it was the most

successful product in company history.

That's why I bought the place

and why you two are still onboard.

So, let's talk about the future.

Okay, these are Gorgonites. They...

Hi. How are you today?

I'm late.

Okay. I drew up some pictures.

That's a picture you can have.

All right, these are Gorgonites.

And this one.

This is Archer.

He's the grand, noble leader of...

Okay, and Troglokhan...

...the navigator who navigates.

Okay, they're monsters

from the land of Gorgon.

They've come to our world and are lost.

To return to Gorgon...

...they have to learn all about our world.

This way, kids can learn and do research...

Excuse me. Did you say "learn"?

Learn, yeah.

Next.

Mr. Mars...

...let me introduce you to...

...Major...

...Chip Hazard,

leader of the Commando Elite.

It's called multimedia, Irwin. Look into it.

The future is here.

A new age has dawned...

...for action!

The world's most awesome

high-tech fighting force...

...is ready to battle for

the next millennium.

Chip Hazard, reporting for duty!

Wait. Hold on.

Hold on, hold on. Can they really do that?

- Do what?

- Punch out of the box.

No.

I didn't think so.

There's a disclaimer.

Legal says we're completely covered.

You know what I'm sick of?

Commercials showing trucks

popping up on Mount Rushmore...

...and parking on Abraham Lincoln's head.

And shampoo commercials that say

women can look like Claudia Schiffer...

...after one cycle of rinse and repeat.

What if these toys actually could talk?

What if they could walk?

What if they could actually kick ass?

Nick Nitro.

Toys that are so smart

when kids play with them...

...they play back.

Toys that actually do what they do

in the commercials.

That's an interesting idea.

Forget the "Batteries not included" crap.

Put in a lifetime GloboTech lithium cell.

They'll run forever.

That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.

How's this slogan? "The Commando Elite.

Anything else is just a toy."

"Everything else is just a toy."

That's good, too. Sure.

Sir?

You know, that kind of computing power

doesn't really seem feasible...

Irwin, we're part of GloboTech.

We can find the technology.

Our missiles can find a bastard 7,000 miles

away and stick a warhead up his ass.

This won't be a problem. They're soldiers.

What do soldiers need?

- Hats?

- Camouflage?

Ms. Kegel?

Enemies, sir.

Enemies. See, these hideous,

ugly freaks are the enemy...

...and our guys have to find them

and vaporize them.

No, they're not... Sir?

Don't you think that's a bit violent?

Exactly. So call it action, not violence.

Kids love action. It sells.

Besides, what are you worried about?

They're only toys.

I can't believe this. This is really wrong.

It's a total perversion of everything

I designed these Gorgonites to be!

Can it, Irwin. This is a golden opportunity.

If we pull this off,

Mars will be eating out of our hands.

By the way, gentlemen...

...Mr. Mars expects the product

ready for shipment in three months.

Three months?

No. It takes at least six months.

There's product testing and focus...

Three months is fine.

Tell Mr. Mars they'll be ready then.

All right, then.

These are your security cards.

They give you unlimited access

to all top-secret Globo technology.

And these are your individual,

secret passwords. Memorize them now.

Mine's "Gizmo."

I said "secret."

Password. Password.

What's my password?

Gizmo.

Let's find us some chips.

Some really good chips.

A lot of really good chips.

The X1000.

Hello, Mr. Chips.

This looks like a nice store.

Look at those toys.

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