Senseless

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Good afternoon, freshmen,

freshwomen and, uh,

people of freshness.

Welcome to Stratford University's

freshman orientation.

I'm your tour guide,

Darryl Witherspoon.

I got another tour group in about

a half hour, so let's get to tourin'.

Come on. Come on.

Speed walk. Speed walk.

It's good for your soul.

That's it. You got it.

So, as an economics major,

this is where I spend

the majority of my time.

And thanks to Stratford University's

top-notch financial aid program...

[Coughs] Bullshit... I spend

the rest of my time giving tours,

working food services...

and delivering campus mail.

Now, this package has brought us

to the administration building.

And here, encased in this glass...

No, it's not Superfly's pimp cane.

This is the Truman Scepter.

This next package will be taking us...

to the neuropsychology building.

Let's go. Neuropsychology.

Let's go.

- Let's go. Here you go.

Hold that for me. Thanks, baby.

- [Claps]

Hey, we're gonna stop over

at the cafeteria and bust a little suds.

Girls wash. Guys dry.

Whoo!

And here we have

Stratford University's prizewinning...

neuropsychology department.

Oh, I just wanted to thank you

all for helping me out with

my campus maintenance duties.

I think it's a beautiful thing.

But remember,

plastic goes in the blue,

paper in the green.

Be back in a jiff.

Whoo!

Hello?

Dr. Wheedon?

Got a package for you.

Um, right there's fine.

Thank you.

Wow. That little fellow glows

in the dark, huh?

I wish the ones at my mom's house

would glow in the dark.

Um...

Thank you.

There's a building, building, building.

That building's old.

That building got windows.

And here we are,

back at Albert Lovett Library.

And that, my friends,

is the end of your tour.

And the beginning of yours.

Welcome.

[Man] Gaining 13 and three quarters,

utilities up about a fifth of a point.

- And the big-board composite

up.6 and 45236.

- [Phone Rings]

- There were over 115 million

shares traded on the big board.

- [Sighs]

- Yeah.

- [Woman On Phone] Hi. Darryl?

Hey, Ma. How you doin'?

Oh, same old, same old.

Blase, blase.

The kids are drivin' me crazy,

stove don't work and the roaches

are gettin' attitude.

So, when do you start

your new job on Wall Street?

Well, I don't exactly

have the job.

There's a lot of competition

for that Smythe-Bates job.

My oldest son is gonna starve.

- I'm not going to starve.

- How are you gonna pay your tuition?

Ma, I'll just get

another job, okay?

[Sighs] Well, you know,

I didn't want to say anything,

but they threatened to turn off the gas.

Just send me the bill.

How much is it?

- $223.

- Damn, what you cookin'?

Well, baby, we got to eat.

And you know I like to cook

everything down nice and slow.

- You know.

- Uh, just send it, Ma.

I didn't wanna tell you this,

but, uh, you know I'm front-runner

for that Smythe-Bates job.

I'm so proud of you.

And the job pays $60,000 a year.

- Oh, baby.

- So, you, Darius, Lyndell,

Brandon and April...

Y'all don't have to worry.

- I love you, Darryl.

- [Makes Kissing Noise]

[Receiver Clicking Off]

- [Sighs]

- [Phone Rings]

[Old Woman Voice] Hello?

[Woman] This is the Stratford

University tuition office.

May I speak to Darryl Witherspoon?

Uh, no, uh, Darryl's not

with us anymore.

He, uh, he die.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- [Tearfully]

Yeah, th-they killed my baby.

He got involved with that whole

East Coast/West Coast thing,

and being that he is from Chicago,

they both banged on him.

Hi. Darryl Witherspoon.

[Groaning]

[Mumbling]

Sammy Davis, Jr. Jr.

[Groaning]

Lza Kill D. Wipe.

Thank you.

[Moaning]

I am Ishmael Achmel

Mohammed Hach-tooey... [Spits]

[Gasps]

Ooh!

Have you donated sperm before?

- Yeah.

- Uh-huh. And you're familiar

with the procedure?

Well, I've been doing it

since I was 12.

The payment procedure. Fifty dollars

upon procurement of the sperm.

Cool. Um, do you have

any of those procurement aids?

Oh, certainly.

Dirty, Beaver Hunt, Big Butt.

- Damn!

- Bondage Cheerleaders.

- [Bell Rings]

- [Man Moaning]

Ooh, four.

I'm good for one more.

Just give me somethin' really freaky.

- Like some Siamese midget twins

menaging a goat or somethin'.

- Okay.

Ah, what's up?

What's happenin', my man?

- Hey.

- Got some more hair for you.

Hey, look man, I can't do nothin'

with them naps. You're back too soon.

- Come on, man. I need this money, man.

- I can't help you.

Please. Come on, man.

Hey, brother, look. I got some

real good hair for you, man.

- Look at the bush.

- Hey, look.

- It ain't that kind of party, man, hey.

- Come on. Look, brother.

- I'll throw in the ass hair for free.

- Step!

Oh, hey, dog. Landlord came by again,

looking for your part of the rent.

- God, it must be nice having a...

- A hockey scholarship?

Look, I'm not in the guilt game,

all right? My heart is light.

- What's with the X?

- That's, uh...

That's a symbol of my pledge.

See, I'm denying myself

certain pleasures, eh?

Eating meat.

Drinking alcohol. Sex.

- Sex?

- Yeah, all forms of sex.

Consider this.

Without pain and deprivation,

one can never experience

true pleasure.

You know, this is just like when you

converted to Buddhism freshman year.

Uh-huh? Then you went premed,

then Republican and then

the Tony Robbins tapes.

And let's not forget

your little bisexual stage.

Well, that just lasted two hours.

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