Patch Adams

[ Man ]

All of life is a coming home.

Salesmen, secretaries, coal miners,

beekeepers, sword swallowers--

all of us.

All the restless hearts

of the world...

all trying

to find a way home.

It's hard to describe

what I felt like then.

Picture yourself walking

for days in a driving snow.

You don't even know

you're walking in circles--

the heaviness of your legs

in the drifts;

your shouts

disappearing into the wind.

How small you can feel.

How far away home can be.

Home.

The dictionary defines it

as both a place of origin...

and a goal or destination.

And the storm ?

The storm was all in my mind.

Or, as the poet Dante put it...

"In the middle of the journey of my life

I found myself in a dark wood...

for I had lost

the right path."

Eventually I would find

the right path...

but in the most unlikely place.

How many fingers

do you see ?

You crazy--

Stop sneakin' up on me like that.

How many ?

- Four.

- Four ?

Four ?

[ Grumbles ]

Another idiot.

You gon' love it here.

Got a new one, Jane.

Hunter Adams.

Self-committed. Suicidal.

Slate him with Dr. Prack.

[ Jane ]

All right.

Hey, Rudy !

What's the word, my man ?

He ain't left that bed in three weeks.

He won't give you any trouble.

He needs another bedpan. They're in

the closet. Wake-up is 7:00 a.m.

Excuse me.

Is there any way

I could have my own room ?

Oh, absolutely.

Just call the concierge and ask

for a suite overlooking the fountain.

No, l-l prefer

the cabana room.

- [ Snickers ]

- Get some sleep.

[ Door Locks ]

Hi.

Hi.

You're, um...

you're a lot... fuzzier

than my last roommate.

Oh. Yeah.

Keeps me warm.

Aaaah !

[ Continues Screaming ]

- What's wrong ?

- Get 'em away !

- Get what away ?

- Get 'em-- Get 'em away !

- Okay, I'm gonna have to--

- You traitor !

You brought 'em with you

when you opened the door !

- Who ?

- [ Whimpering ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

We need help in here !

Somebody !

[ Screaming, Shouting ]

- All right.

- No ! No ! No !

They'll get me ! Don't take me down !

They'll get me ! No !

Don't let the squirrels get me !

Please !

Don't let the squirrels get me !

- [ Serum Injecting ]

- Aaah ! [ Sobbing ]

That was a squirrel bite !

[ Whimpering ]

[ Whispers ]

Squirrels.

[ Adams ]

My father died when I was nine.

He was in the army.

He wasn't home very much.

Two weeks before he died...

he told me that

in the Korean War...

it felt like

he'd lost his soul.

All this time

I thought it was me.

I moved seven times

in the last year.

I've, uh, had several jobs.

Nothing seemed to fit.

I don't seem to fit.

And when your father died,

how did that make you feel ?

I don't know.

I was nine.

It was like there was

this distinction, suddenly...

between you

and the rest of the world.

I looked around me.

Life went on

just like it did before.

But it wasn't

like it was before.

My uncle helped.

He would visit.

He at least listened.

And I thought...

if I could light my own farts I could

fly to the moon, or at least Uranus.

But if I couldn't do that at least

I could use my penis as a pogo stick...

and that might be a way

of getting around.

I'm sorry ?

Yes, that's good.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I think you're making

fine progress, Hunter.

We'll talk later in group.

Thank you.

[ Patients Muttering,

Whimpering ]

Four. Four ? Four !

Ohh ! Four ! Ohh !

You are all insane !

Insane ! Four !

Arthur Mendelson.

The Arthur Mendelson ?

Brand Beaton Industries.

Guy was one of the most

innovative minds of our time.

Look at him now.

He can't even count the windows.

[ Mutters ]

God. What happened to him ?

Why is he here ?

Self-committed. Genius syndrome.

Howard Hughes-type sh*t.

Constantly digging into the

creative potential of the human mind.

[ Muttering Continues ]

I guess he dug too deep.

[ Mendelson Chuckles ]

This is real wood.

Rowff !

[ Continues Muttering ]

[ Humming ]

W-Why are we meeting in here ?

It's cramped.

Well, Everton, we're meeting in here

so that Rudy can participate.

- It's cramped.

- Does anyone else

have a thought on that ?

- Cramped !

- I think he has a question.

[ Patients Laughing ]

Do you find that funny, Hunter,

making fun of a man's infirmity ?

Maybe he does have a question.

He's alive.

- He's catatonic.

- Well, he still has a brain.

- Maybe he wants to participate too.

- [ Rudy ] Yeah.

Maybe he has a question.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe he knows why we're cramped !

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

Maybe Beany knows a lot more

than we give him credit for.

Excuse me. Beany ?

Which way is heaven ?

- [ Loud Laughter ]

- That's correct !

That'll be enough, Hunter.

Beany, how much taller

is Wilt Chamberlain than you ?

- Right.

- [ Laughter Continues ]

Hey, Beany ! Beany !

Where's the ceiling ?

- [ Laughter Continues ]

- That's enough. Stop it.

Where do the birds fly, Beany ?

How do you say hello to Hitler ?

Beany, how does Hitler say hello ?

[ Adams ] How do you check

an elephant for a hernia ?

Who would win a staring contest ?

Beany !

Who-- Who farted ?

Beany !

- Who likes to masturbate ?

- [ All ] Yea !

- [ Laughter, Shouting ]

- I do ! I do !

[ Adams ] Hey, Beany, how does an

one-armed referee say "field goal" ?

[ Everton ]

Ha ha ! Hey, Beany !

Ciao, Beany !

Arigato, Beany !

[ Rudy ]

Bye, Beany.

It was a really good session,

I thought.

[ Adams ]

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