Hurlyburly

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Hurts, don't it?

I know how you feel.

Hi, this is Darlene.

I can't come to the phone,

but I want to get back to you...

so please don't disappoint me.

Of course you can't come

to the phone, Darlene.

But why is that, Mickey?

I'm semi-stupefied.

I want to get back to you,

so please don't disappoint me.

OK, now I'm f***ing comatose.

What?

Are you awake or not?

I don't know. You?

It's over.

- What?

- Everything!

What everything?

Me and Susie.

I really f***ed up this time.

We had a big, big fight.

Bigger than the last one.

What did you do, shoot her?

You didn't shoot her, Phil?

Well, then she'll take you back.

She always does.

You want me to call her?

No. She'll give you

the f***ing business.

She hates you.

What are you talking about?

Susie don't hate me.

She hates you. She told me

in the middle of the fight.

Well, f*** her, the whore.

I was surprised, too.

She acted like she liked me.

I thought she liked me.

You got any weed?

I need some weed.

What's the situation?

She don't like anybody,

the b*tch?

What did she say about me?

You know, we're friends.

She thinks

we got something in common.

We're friends

on the basis of what, Phil?

Opposites.

We're totally dissimilar.

It's the entire basis

of our friendship.

Of course.

She's got to dump all this

horseshit all over me...

whatever it was.

What's she thinking?

I don't think she thinks.

None of them do.

I don't know what they do.

They express their feelings.

My feelings are hurt, too.

Mine, too.

I come home

in the middle of the night...

I'm ripped.

She could have some sympathy...

for the fact

I'm on a talking jag.

She could let me run my mouth.

I'll fall asleep.

Where's the problem?

She can't do that.

No. She's got to start

nitpicking.

She starts undermining

my whole f***ing point of view.

I had all these ideas

in my head, then they were gone.

There was just this disgusting

cloud f***ing with me.

What do you mean?

You know, this fog.

It was talking to me

with her face on it.

Right in front of me!

But it wasn't just her...

but this cloud saying

all these mean things...

about my ideas

and everything about me.

That I was sh*t,

and this cloud knew it.

And that's when it happened.

I whacked her.

Is she all right?

She was scared,

and I was scared.

I don't know if I was yelling

I was gonna kill her...

or she was yelling

she was gonna kill me.

Somebody was threatening

somebody, though.

- Definitely.

- OK.

So, try to remember.

Was it before

you whacked her...

or after you whacked her...

that she made this reference

to me?

That she hated you?

You know what I think?

What?

She hates men.

What do you mean?

She hates you, she hates me.

Artie, too!

Artie, Eddie, Phil, are men!

She hates men!

It's a goddamn syllogism.

That's right!

It's a goddamn syllogism!

Only that's not how it works.

What are you guys doing

down here?

Phil's left Susie again.

This time it's final.

Really?

So what are you screaming about?

Deceitful b*tch

has been bad-mouthing Eddie.

If you go back to her,

I'll never speak to you again.

No, I am done with her!

Hey, you guys

are in a f***ing frenzy here!

Why don't you have

some breakfast?

Eat an orange, why don't you?

Calm down. Where's the fruit?

Never any fruit in this house,

you know?

Someone has got to go shopping.

It's like living

in a frat house.

Edward... what are you doing?

Gotta wake up.

How can I wake up?

He's gotta wake up.

Some people have coffee.

Caffeine's poison.

Don't you know that?

So what is this,

Bolivian health food?

Hey, I found some Sno-balls!

I found some disgusting,

moldy, pink Sno-balls...

that we can have along

with our Bolivian blow...

for breakfast, Eddie!

So, Phil,

your personal life's a shambles.

How's your career?

I'm up for some very interesting

parts at the moment.

My agent said this new cop show

for NBC, I'm a lock.

That's how close I am.

I've been back six times.

The director and I hit it off.

It's very exciting.

Really? Who's the director?

He's this terrific

Thomas Leighton.

Bullshit. He's a scumbag...

who likes to jerk around

tough guys like you.

Have you back 100 times,

you get nothing.

No. My agent said he liked me.

It's between me and

this other guy who's taller.

I mean, depending on

who they cast for the lead...

if he's a different type

than me, I got a good shot.

Leads are always a different

physical type than you.

This is America. This is TV.

Why are you discouraging me for?

I'm not.

No, this is Eddie's

particular talent...

to effortlessly

discourage people.

You have certain marketable

human qualities to exploit.

You have certain qualities...

you have to exploit them.

We know the M.O. Out here.

They take an interesting story

and distort it.

Cut the truth out

on the basis it's unappealing...

but leave the surface

so it's familiar.

Cars, trucks, trees, hats,

so they got their scam...

but that's where you come in.

They need a lot

of authentic sounding people...

such as yourself

who need a buck.

So, like every other whore

in this town, myself included...

you lend whatever little bit

of truth you can scrounge up...

to this total systematic sham!

Thereby exonerating the viewer

from having to confront...

the fact he's spending his life

face-to-face with sh*t.

That's all I'm saying.

Forget the Leighton thing.

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