Erik the Viking

Blackness. Flames begin to lick upwards from the bottom of the screen. Suddenly all hell breaks loose. Screaming, yelling. Black figures flash across the foreground, with the flames still burning behind. There follows a confusion of burning, raping, killing and looting - we don't clearly see what's going on. Suddenly we cut to the interior of a hut. The door is in the process of being broken down. The camera pans onto the close-up face of an attractive girl who is staring in horrified fascination at the door. Her arms are white with fresh dough and flour. Suddenly the door bursts open and a wild-looking Viking leaps into the hut. He holds a sword. He looks around wildly and then his eyes come to rest on the girl. This Viking, I'm afraid, is Erik. We are about to see him in the worst possible light so be prepared. The girl, whose name is Helga, cowers, and looks terrified but resolute. Erik glances round. Then slowly he advances on the girl, forcing her back onto a chest. Erik holds his sword to Helga's throat with his right hand, while his left hand searches to find the thongs holding up his trousers. He is clearly having difficulties trying to hold his heavy sword to Helga's throat at he same time as undoing his trousers. He fumbles and lowers his sword for a moment.

HELGA:

Have you done this sort of thing before?

ERIK:

Me? Of course! I've been looting and pillaging up and down the coast.

HELGA:

(looking sceptical)

Looting and pillaging, eh?

ERIK:

(on the defensive)

Yes.

HELGA:

What about the raping?

ERIK:

Shut up.

HELGA:

It's obvious you haven't raped anyone in your life.

ERIK:

Sh!

He covers her mouth with his free hand, and looks round to make sure no one's heard. Then he carries on trying to undo his trousers, but he is now somewhat more than half-hearted about it. Helga watches suspiciously.

HELGA:

Do you LIKE women?

Erik is clearly shocked and stung by the insinuation. He stops.

ERIK:

Of course I like women... I LOVE 'em.

HELGA:

(pointing out the obvious)

You don't love ME.

ERIK:

No... right... this is RAPE... Mark you, I'm not saying I couldn't get to like you... in fact... well, to be quite honest, I prefer it when there's some sort of mutual feeling between two people...

HELGA:

What - rape?

ERIK:

No. It isn't rape then, is it?

HELGA:

Oh, get it over with.

ERIK:

(hesitates again)

I don't suppose... no...

HELGA:

What?

ERIK:

I don't suppose you... you DO like me at all?

HELGA:

What d'you expect? You come in here, burn my village, kill my family and try to rape me...

This is too much for Erik. We withers under the irony.

ERIK:

I'll kill you if you say anything about this to anyone.

HELGA:

(puzzled)

About raping me?

ERIK:

About NOT raping you...

HELGA:

You DON'T like it, do you?

ERIK:

Well it just seems a little bit crude, that's all.

HELGA:

What about the killing and looting? That's just as crude, isn't it?

ERIK:

Oh well - you've GOT to do them.

HELGA:

Why? Why have you got to go round killing and looting?

ERIK:

To pay for the next expedition, of course.

HELGA:

But that's a circular argument! If the only reason for going on an expedition is the killing and looting and the only reason for the killing and looting is to pay for the next expedition, they cancel each other out.

ERIK:

Oh! Stop talking as if we were married!

HELGA:

Well you started it.

ERIK:

I just said I didn't feel like raping you.

HELGA:

And I was just saying that rape is no MORE pointless or crude than all the killing and looting that goes on. Erik vents of his frustration on the already shattered door.

ERIK:

Scream.

HELGA:

Ah.

ERIK:

Louder.

HELGA:

Aaagh! Rape!

ERIK:

(he'd forgotten about that)

Oh, thanks

Two more Vikings burst in with eyes blazing. They have the very unfortunate names of Ernest and Jennifer, but it doesn't really matter, for reasons which will become obvious very quickly. They are also slightly drunk.

ERNEST:

Rape?

JENNIFER:

Where?

Jennifer the Viking sways and leans against a door post. The marauder's eyes come to rest on Erik and Helga who are standing, fully clothed, about six feet apart. They look slightly puzzled.

HELGA:

He raped me standing up.

There is a pause. Erik looks up at Helga. Why has she saved his face by telling this lie? Jennifer the Viking turns to Erik.

JENNIFER:

You finished, then?

ERIK:

Oh... yes... I suppose so...

ERNEST:

Right! Me first!

JENNIFER:

No! I asked!

Ernest leaps on top of Helga and pins her to the ground. Jennifer joins in. Erik looks stunned for a moment. Then he suddenly leaps to Helga's defence.

ERIK:

Leave her alone!

He pulls Jennifer off, but Jennifer fights back. Erik forces Jennifer back until he falls into the kneading trough. They fight in the dough for some moments, until Erik runs Jennifer through. The dough is stained red, and the film is rid of such an inappropriately named Viking once and for all.

Erik then turns his attention on Ernest who is still on top of Helga. Without a moment's hesitation, Erik runs him through the back. Ernest screams. So does Helga. Erik turns white, and pulls out his sword. Ernest falls over into a heap with his co-misnomer, and Erik kneels beside Helga to find a bloodstain under her breast where he has inadvertently run her through. She is clearly not long for this world.

HELGA:

Thanks for saving me from a fate worse than death.

ERIK:

I didn't mean to!

HELGA:

(gasping for breath)

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