Trainwreck Page #2

NIKKI:

Oh my god, shut up. You have totell me everything about lastnight. I saw your instagram. That

guy, is like so hot. He looks kindof like a white Drake.

AMY:

Ew, he was like a Puerto Rican

Gollum, I’m not talking about it.

Do you have to pee?

NIKKI:

Yeah, totally.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

Amy and Nikki sit in stalls side by side but the camera stays

outside the whole time, so all we can see is their feet.

7.

AMY:

Did you hear Johnny Depp is coming

into the office today?

NIKKI:

Oh yeah, I’m all over that.

AMY:

Which version of Johnny Depp would

you most like to have sex with?

Like which one does it for you themost, because I can’t stop thinkingabout it.

NIKKI:

For me, it’s Pirates of the

Caribbean. I love a fully made up,

long haired, almost femininelooking Johnny Depp.

AMY:

Not almost, he looks like a

beautiful woman in that movie.

NIKKI:

Yeah. Who would be yours?

AMY:

I’m thinking an Edward ScissorhandsJohnny Depp.

NIKKI:

You would get totally cut up.

AMY:

Yeah, but he’d feel so bad about

it. He’d be like I’ll never leave

you. And I would get a sickhaircut. Also, Willy Wonka, bring

it on.

NIKKI:

Totally, I would f*** the sh*t out

of Willy Wonka.

INT. S’NUFF - DAY

A conference room with old S’nuff Mag covers with headlines

like, “Do You Come Weird?” and “Beer and Gadgets.” They take

their seats. The room is mostly men, including SCHULTZ andBRYSON.

Their boss, DIANNA (a goddess) enters.

8.

DIANNA:

Ok, my babes, I want your

undivided. I’ve been looking atyour pitches and these are mythoughts. Nikki, why are you

smiling?

NIKKI:

I’m not smiling, I’m just very

nervous.

DIANNA:

Stop smiling. That’s even more.

Nikki.

NIKKI:

The more nervous I get the more Ismile.

DIANNA:

Stop smiling. Stop it. Stop it. I’msick of your ginger nonsense. Idon’t want to see those nashers.

No, stop it.

DONALD, a young looking intern, puts a green tea down infront of Dianna.

DIANNA (CONT’D)

What’s this?

BRYSON:

That’s our new intern. Donald. I

thought we were getting a chick buthe’s here.

DIANNA:

Welcome Donald. Welcome to S’Nuff.

Where we are teaching the strong-

willed male how to think, dress,

eat, f***. Do you like this

magazine Donald?

DONALD:

Oh yeah, it’s pretty much all Iread.

DIANNA:

Good answer. Look. This is ours. We

made this. What’s our demographic?

ENTIRE STAFF:

Everyfuckingone.

9.

DIANNA:

Thank you, you can go now.

DONALD:

Thank you, it’s a big opportunity.

DIANNA:

Right, pitch me. Pitch me hard.

Schultz?

SCHULTZ:

I was thinking something called theS’Nuff Guide to Beating Off at

Work. Where to do it? How to do it?

How not to get caught?

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