Spaceballs Page #4

COMMANDERETTE President Skroob, Salute.

ALL (salute) Hail Skroob!

SKROOB salutes.

CHARLENE & MARLENE Hello, President Skroob.

SKROOB Oh, uh. Hello, Charlene.

MARLENE I'm Marlene.

SKROOB Hello, Marlene.

CHARLENE I'm Charlene.

SKROOB Chew your gum. Where's the Princess.

COMMANDERETTE Right there, sir. On the left side of the screen of

the screen, approaching Spaceball 1, at fifteen hundred light

leagues per minute.

SKROOB Good, good. She almost in our grasp. Tell Dark Helmet he must

take the Princess alive.

EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE In front of Spaceball 1 is Vespa's car.

INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SANDURZ and HELMET are standing in the

front.

SANDURZ Princess Vespa's spaceship within range, sir.

HELMET (mask down) Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose.

Guns start firing.

INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE VESPA takes off the headphones. The car is

shaking.

VESPA What's going on?

DOT It either the 4th of July, or someone trying to kill us.

VESPA Hey! I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich. (picks up

phone)

DOT What you doing?

VESPA I'm calling my father. 1-800-DRUIDIA. (dials the phone)

INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE

HELMET (lifts up mask) Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose,

not up it.

GUNNER (lifts up eye guard) Sorry, sir. (he is cross-eyed) Doing my

best.

HELMET Who made that man a gunner?

MAJOR I did, sir. He's my cousin. (he is cross-eyed, too)

HELMET Who is he?

SANDURZ He's an A**hole, sir.

HELMET I know that. What's his name?

SANDURZ That is his name, sir. A**hole, Major A**hole.

HELMET And his cousin?

SANDURZ He's an A**hole, too, sir. Gunner's-mate, 1st Class, Philip

A**hole.

HELMET How many A**holes we got on this ship, anyhow?

All, but few, stand up.

ALL Yo!

HELMET I knew it. I'm surrounded by A**holes. (pulls down mask) Keep

firing, A**holes.

INT. VESPA'S CAR - CAR VESPA is on the phone.

VESPA Hurry, Daddy, hurry. They're laser blasts all around us. I'm

so scared.

EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE

ROLAND'S VOICE King Roland to Lone Starr. King Roland to Lone Starr.

Are you there?

INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE LONE STARR and BARF are talking to ROLAND on

the phone.

ROLAND Lone Starr, you've got to help me. Please, save my daughter.

She's being attacked by Spaceballs.

LONE STARR Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous. Besides, I'm

already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.

BARF Look, your highness, it's not that we're afraid. Far from it.

It's just we got this thing about them. It's not us.

ROLAND Please, you must. You're the only ones who can save her. I'll

give anything. Did you her me? Anything.

BARF Anything?

ROLAND Yes! Anything!

LONE STARR Okay, we'll do it for a million.

ROLAND A million?

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