Spaceballs Page #3

VESPA can't hear her.

DOT Will you turn that thing off.

VESPA What? (takes off the headphones) What is it?

DOT I was saying, do realize what you've done.

VESPA Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. (puts the

headphones back on)

DOT I wonder if she's glad.

SPACEBALL CITY - INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT SKROOB is

talking to someone on the phone.

SKROOB Don't be ridiculous. As president of Planet Spaceball, I can

assure both you and your viewers, that there is absolutely no air

shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course, I've heard the same rumor

myself. Thanks for calling, and not reversing the charges. Bye.

(hangs up phone) Shithead.

He opens a desk drawer. It has a lot of cans in it. He takes one and

opens it. The can says, "Perrier Salt-Free Air." He starts

breathing the air.

COMMANDERETTE (appears on the wall) President Skroob.

SKROOB (throws can behind him and closes the drawer) Yes.

COMMANDERETTE This is Central Control, Spaceball Commanderette

Zarican speaking, sir.

SKROOB Yes, what is it Commanderette?

COMMANDERETTE Lord Helmet has informed us that Princess Vespa is in

sight, and Spaceball 1 is closing in on her.

SKROOB Good, good.

COMMANDERETTE We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if

you wish to observe.

SKROOB I'll be down immediately.

COMMANDERETTE Shall I have Snotty beam you down? SKROOB I don't

about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?

COMMANDERETTE Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was

wonderful.

SKROOB All right, I take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on

Star Trek. (steps into the beaming pod)

COMMANDERETTE Snotty, beam him down.

SNOTTY (O.S.) Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.

SKROOB beams out of his office.

INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT SKROOB reappears. His head is on

backwards.

VOICE(O.S.) Gees feesetes, what's happened to his head?

COMMANDERETTE It's on backwards.

SKROOB This is terrible. Do something.

SNOTTY I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a microconverter

malfunction.

SKROOB (lifts up the tail on his suit) Why didn't somebody tell me

ass was so big.

Everyone else looks and snickers.

SNOTTY Hold on, sir. We'll try and reverse the beam. Could be the

interlocking system.

SKROOB scratches his leg.

SNOTTY (flipping switches) Lock 1, Lock 2, Lock 3, Lock lone.

SKROOB beams out.

INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT SKROOB reappears, back to

normal. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall.

COMMANDERETTE Are you all right, Mr. President.

SKROOB Fine, fine, no thanks to you.

COMMANDERETTE We'll beam you back, sir.

SKROOB Forget it. Forget it. No more beaming. This time I'm gonna

walk. (walks through the door)

INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT

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