Monty Python and the Holy Grail Page #3

1 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY

Mist. Several seconds of it swirling about. silence

possibly, atmospheric music. SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787".

after a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance.

They come slowly closer. Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR

followed by a SERVANT who is banging two half coconuts

together. ARTHUR raises his hand.

ARTHUR:

Whoa there!

SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. ARTHUR

peers through the mist. CUT TO shot from over his shoulder:

castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist. On the castle

battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen. He peers down.

SOLDIER:

Halt! Who goes there?

ARTHUR:

It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle

of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons,

sovereign of all England!

Pause.

SOLDIER:

Get away!

ARTHUR:

I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the

length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join

our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER:

What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR:

Yes!

SOLDIER:

You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR:

...What?

SOLDIER:

You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging

them together.

ARTHUR:

(Scornfully)

So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this

land, through the kingdom of Mercea.

SOLDIER:

Where did you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR:

Through ... We found them.

SOLDIER:

Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR:

What do you mean?

SOLDIER:

Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR:

The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin

or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are

not strangers to our land.

SOLDIER:

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR:

Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER:

What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR:

Why not?

SOLDIER:

I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight

inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky

to find a coconut under a pound.

ARTHUR:

It could grip it by the husk ...

SOLDIER:

It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple

matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not

hold a a one pound coconut.

ARTHUR:

Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that

Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.

SOLDIER:

Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat

its wings four hundred and ninety three times every

second. right?

ARTHUR:

(irritated)

Please!

SOLDIER:

Am I right?

ARTHUR:

I'm not interested.

SECOND SOLDIER:

(who has loomed up on the battlements)

It could be carried by an African swallow!

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