Little Nicky Page #3

JIMMY THE DEMON:

(turning to leave)

Oh, and don't forget, you're shoving a

pineapple up Hitler's ass at four

o'clock.

Dad nods, and Jimmy shuffles out. Dad turns his attention

back to his sons.

DAD:

This was a very difficult decision,

because I have three wonderful sons. I

mean, Adrian, so smart, so ruthless.

And Cassius, so strong, so tough. And

Nicky, so...so...

NICKY:

Don't worry about coming up with

anything. It's cool.

DAD:

Such a sweet boy. But after much

thought and careful consideration, I've

decided that the ruler for the next ten

thousand years is going to have to

be...me.

CASSIUS AND ADRIAN

(dumbfounded)

What!?

NICKY:

Hallelujah.

They all look at Nicky.

NICKY (CONT'D)

I mean...tough break.

DAD:

The important thing for the stability of

our rule is to maintain the balance

between good and evil. And I don't

think any of you are ready for that

responsibility yet. You need the wisdom

that comes only with the passage of

time.

CASSIUS:

Dad! This is Hoyashit.

Dad glares. Cassius goes FLYING BACK. One of the Human

Dartboards laughs. Cassius whips a dart and hits him in the

tongue. Jimmy enters and points at his watch.

DAD:

Right. Right. Send him in.

(to the boys)

I'm sorry, boys. I've got to get back

to work.

Nicky, Cassius and Adrian start filing out. Adrian stops.

ADRIAN:

You sure about this decision, Dad?

DAD:

I'm telling you, pal, it's the right

thing to do.

HITLER (in a French maid's outfit), is being brought in by

Jimmy. They head towards the closet.

Inside the closet is a crate of pineapples. Hitler picks out

a relatively small one. Dad shakes his head "no." Dad walks

over to the closet. Hitler picks out a really big pineapple.

Dad nods "yes." Hitler sadly hands it to Dad. Jimmy bends

Hitler over and as Dad raises the fruit...

CLOSE ON HITLER'S EYES

As the pineapple's jammed up his ass.

HITLER:

Holy schnit!!

EXT. HIGHWAY TO HELL - DAY

Cassius and Adrian are standing by the road still flowing

with souls. Both are pissed. There's a big, ugly, Bigfoot

looking MONSTER hanging out with them, kind of nodding along.

CASSIUS:

You work your ass off for ten thousand

years, hurting people, helping others

hurt people, then you get a decision

like that.

ADRIAN:

And he's dead serious.

CASSIUS:

It's just such a slap in the face.

Adrian turns to the Monster.

ADRIAN:

Um, excuse me, we're having a private

conversation here.

CASSIUS:

Yeah, get out of here! Beat it!

Cassius insanely snaps his fingers in the Monster's face.

The Monster shrugs and walks off.

ADRIAN:

Twenty-thousand years ago, Grandpa

Lucifer said, "It is better to rule in

hell than serve in heaven." Well, I'm

getting tired of serving in Hell. We

need a place where we can rule.

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