Frasier Page #2

Season #1

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Niles:
Well, I know this isn't going to be anyone's favourite

solution, [opens his briefcase] but I took the liberty of

checking out a few convalescent homes for him. [puts some

brochures on the table]

Frasier:
Oh Niles, a home? He's still a young man!

Niles:
Well, you certainly can't take care of him -you're just

getting your new life together.

Frasier:
Absolutely. Besides, we were never simpatico.

Niles:
Of course, I can't take care of him.

Frasier:
Oh yes, yes, of course, of course... why?

Niles:
Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.

Frasier:
Who does?

Niles:
I thought you liked my Maris!

Frasier:
I do. I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way

you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without

the warmth.

Niles:
Well then, we're agreed about what to do with Dad. [reads a

brochure] "Golden Acres: We Care So You Don't Have To."

Frasier:
It says that?

Niles:
Well, it might as well!

Frasier:
Alright, I'll make up the spare bedroom.

Niles:
Oh, you're a good son, Frasier.

Frasier:
Oh God, I am, aren't I?

Downcast, he cradles his head in one hand. The waitress arrives with

their coffees.

Waitress:
Two cafe supremos. Anything to eat?

Frasier:
[depressed] No. I seem to have lost my appetite.

Niles:
[perky] I'll have a large piece of cheesecake!

Frasier glares at Niles.

FADE TO:

THE FATHER:

Scene Three -Apartment

[N.B. The Apartment set was built on the same soundstage at Paramount

Studios that housed the set of "Cheers."]

Frasier is playing the piano. The doorbell rings; he stops playing,

shuts the keyboard lid, and disconsolately trudges to the door. Just

before opening it, he casts a melodramatic gaze over his apartment:

the last moment of solitude. Then, he opens the door.

Frasier:
[upbeat] Hi! [laughs]

5 of12

Niles enters; he is carrying two suitcases.

Niles:
We finally made it!

Martin Crane, their father, hobbles in on a cane. He does not look

at all enthusiastic.

Frasier:
Ah Dad, Dad, welcome to your new home! [hugs Martin]

Gee, you look great!

Martin:
Don't B.S. me, I do not look great. I spent Monday on the

bathroom floor. You can still see the tile marks on my face.

[sits on the couch]

Niles:
[to Frasier] Gives you some idea about the ride over in the

car. [puts down the suitcases]

Frasier:
Well, er, here we are...

Martin, who has propped his leg on a table, accidentally kicks a

glass ornament off of the side; Frasier catches it.

Frasier:
Well, rest assured the refrigerator is stocked with your

favourite beer, Ballantines, [places the glass ornament on

a small folding table] and we've got plenty of hot links

and coleslaw...

Niles:
Mmm!

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