Duck Soup Page #4

Groucho

Now we're on the right track.... Put back "dear".....

How does it read?

Bob

(Reading)

"My dear"...

Groucho

You can't say that to the President.... Put back "President"

... Now let's hear how sounds.

Bob

(Reading)

"My dear President"...

Groucho

That's what I wanted in the first place. Tear it up and

send it airmail.

Bob

Is that all?

Groucho

Take another letter.... to my tailor.

(Bob takes dictation again.)

Groucho

Dear Sir... enclosed find check for $100. Yours very truly....

Send that immediately.

Bob

I'll have to enclose the check first.

Groucho

You do and I'll fire you.

Groucho glares over his shoulder at Bob to emphasize

his remark as the latter exits from the scene. Mrs. Teasdale

enters to Groucho.

Mrs. Teasdale

(To Groucho)

Your Excellency, the eyes of the world are upon you. Nota-

bles from every land are gathered here in your honor --

(Indicating the guests with a wave of her hand)

This is a gala day for us.

Groucho

Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I couldn't handle any

more.

Mrs. Teasdale

If it's not asking too much --

(Recitative)

For our information

Just for illustration

(Begins tune)

Tell us how you intend to run the nation.

Groucho

(Singing)

These are the laws of my administration:

No one's allowed to smoke

Or tell a dirty joke --

And whistling is forbidden...

Ensemble

(Singing)

We're not allowed to tell a dirty joke

HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA

Groucho

(Singing)

If chewing gum is chewed,

The chewer is pursued

And in the hoosegow hidden...

Ensemble

(Singing)

If we should choose to chew, we'll be pursued -

Groucho

If any form of pleasure is exhibited

Report to me and it will be prohibited.

I'll put my foot down;

So shall it be -

This is the land of the free.

The last man nearly ruined this place

He didn't know what to do with it.

If you think this country's bad off now

Just wait 'till I get through with it.

(Does sailor's hornpipe)

The treasury is low on dough;

The last man went and flew with it.

If you think we're short of money now

Just wait 'till I get through with it.

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